Scene: Title card
We see the title card for The Dark Knight Rises.
A Fundie stands up in front holding up a sign with the Batman logo.
FUNDIE: "He is RISEN--oof!"
The Fundie gets run over by the Batmobile.
Scene: Doctor's office
The doctor shows X-rays to Bruce Wayne.
DOCTOR: "About the cartilage in your knee, you have no cartilage in your knee. Nobody with a brain would go heli-surfing in this condition, but you have no brain in your head either."
Bruce Wayne puts the ringed device on his injured leg. He bends over and screams as it goes snap-crackle-pop.
Cut to Alfred.
ALFRED: "Does it hurt much?"
Cut back to Bruce Wayne as he holds up his severed leg at the ankle.
ALFRED: "That, I believe the doctors can fix."
Scene: Mayor's Mansion
Catwoman shoves the crooked mayor against the wall.
CATWOMAN: "I gave you Bruce Wayne's fingerprints and you tried to kill me instead of paying me what you promised. I think I'll take that payment now. Give me the Ultra-Wipe."
The mayor holds up a roll of toilet paper. Catwoman swats it away.
CATWOMAN: "The computer program that will erase my criminal record! Give it to me!"
MAYOR: "It doesn't exist. How about instead I try to kill you again?"
Catwoman is surrounded by thugs. She escapes out a door.
On the roof, thugs approach Catwoman from several directions. Batman suddenly appears at the edge of the roof.
BATMAN: "Be careful. Those aren't extras. These are trained actors."
CATWOMAN: "I can handle myself."
BATMAN: "Good for you. Sometimes I have trouble handling myself and I wake up in some strange place with a hangover, but I'm more worried about you handling these seven mercenaries. You may need my superior fighting ability and my tactical acumen as a trained warrior--"
A thug walks in from offscreen and pushes Batman off the roof.
Scene: Football stadium
After blowing up the field, Bane walks out to address the crowd.
BANE: "People of Goshdarn City! I am giving you the power to take back what is rightfully yours!"
FAN 1: "You wrecked the game!"
FAN 2: "We want to see the game!"
Everybody throws beer, peanuts, and paper airplanes at Bane.
BANE: "If you don't all do exactly what I say and take back power for the common man, I am going to destroy the city with this nuclear bomb!"
A green glow encircles the bomb as the Green Lantern lifts it with his ring power and ends the movie then and there.
BANE: "Uh... that's actually a decoy. The real bomb is hidden somewhere in the city."
Superman starts looking around with his X-ray vision.
BANE: "It's in a lead-lined case. You can't see through it."
GREEN LANTERN: "Well, I guess there's no reason for us to keep a decoy."
The Justice League returns the bomb to Bane and flies away.
Scene: Batman gives Catwoman the Bat-Cycle.
BATMAN: "A difference between you and me is I don't use guns! Now the firepower on this baby is enough to blow up a concrete wall or shoot right through a half dozen hoodlums at once... heh heh heh... "
CATWOMAN: "I thought you just said you didn't use guns."
BATMAN: "They're powered by rubber bands so they're not really guns."
CATWOMAN: (skeptically) "Ohhhh-kay."
Scene: The police vs. Bane's army
The bottled-up, unarmed police march on the fortified position of Bane's heavily armed army.
BANE: "Nobody shoot! That would make too much sense!"
POLICEMAN: "There is only room for one police organization in this city."
STING AND THE POLICE: " ♪ Roxanne ♪ "
BANE: "I hate that song! Kill them!"
Bane's army turns and fires to the side at Sting and the Police. The city police use the distraction to attack.
Scene: After the big fight
Bane stands over a defeated Batman.
BANE: "The League of Shadows will carry out Ras de Bol's dream of destroying Goshdarn City."
Miranda walks into the scene and stands next to Bane.
BATMAN: "Miranda! You're working for Ras de Bol?"
MIRANDA: "My real name is Pénible. Ras de Bol was my father."
An explosion throws back Bane and Miranda. The camera shifts to show Catwoman on the Bat-Cycle.
CATWOMAN: "I can't stand foreign language puns!"
Awesome Cop is trying to get a busload of orphans out of the city. He walks across the bridge to negotiate.
AWESOME COP: "We need to get these children out of the city!"
OTHER COP: "Stop walking, or we will shoot you!"
AWESOME COP: "I am a cop, just like you, and I will keep walking!"
The other cop shoots him.
AWESOME COP: "[bleep]! You [bleep]in' shot me!"
OTHER COP: "If you're a cop just like us, you're wearing a bulletproof vest."
AWESOME COP: "It still [bleep]ing hurts!"
The camera shifts so we see Awesome Cop standing in front of the priest and young children.
AWESOME COP: "Ow, [bleep]! [bleep]! [bleep]! [bleep]! [bleep]!"
The children go wide-eyed while the priest facepalms.
Scene: The Batwing versus the convoy
The Batwing flies across the sky with several missiles trailing it.
THUG 1: "How is a helicopter outrunning our surface-to-air missiles?"
THUG 2: "It's a funny thing. The missiles are only powered by rubber bands for some reason."
Scene: The Batwing carries the bomb off across the bay
A close-up of the bomb shows the elegant analog clock (branded as Archibald's Finest Bomb Clocks) ticking down to five seconds.
In the cockpit, Batman reaches down and pulls up a school desk over his head and tries to crouch under it.
Scene: The bridge
KID: "Everyone look at the nuclear explosion AUGH MY EYES!"
The priest yells at Awesome Cop.
PRIEST: "You brought all these children out here and now they're all blind! You've ruined their lives forever! ... Though maybe some of them will get super powers from it. This is a comic book movie."
Scene: Graveyard outside Wayne Manor
Alfred the butler walks into the scene carrying a bag of movie popcorn.
ALFRED: "I had to visit the men's room. How much of the movie did I miss?"
He turns and sees the tombstone reading "RIP Bruce Wayne".
ALFRED: "Oh, [bleep]."
Scene: Waynecorp weapons room
Lucius Fox watches as two technicians inspect a replacement Batwing.
FOX: "Check the autopilot system. I want to know if there is anything that I could have done to have saved him."
The lead technician points offscreen.
TECHNICIAN: "You could use the time machine to go back in time and stop Frank Miller from making an R-rated Batman story."
Camera shift to the Waynecorp Time Machine, which starts glowing.
SECOND TECHNICIAN: "Hey, something's coming through the time machine!"
Enter old-school 1960's Robin followed by 1960s Batman carrying a stereotypical bomb with a lit fuse.
1960S ROBIN: "Holy H.G. Wells, Batman! We're in the future!"
1960S BATMAN: "There's no time to think about that, Robin! We need to find a bomb dismantling kit!"
The old-school Batman runs in a circle around the warehouse while holding the bomb over his head.
TECHNICIAN: "You could use a pair of scissors..."
FOX stands beside the time machine and points at it.
FOX: "Back to the 1960s, you two."
The old Batman and Robin run back through the portal.
Scene: Waynecorp office
The awesome cop walks up to a woman behind a counter.
AWESOME COP: "I'm here to pick some stuff that Bruce Wayne left for me."
WOMAN: "It says here your real name is Robin."
AWESOME COP: "Yeah. I suppose he's handing over the reins."
WOMAN: "That can't be right. You're a grown-up. The only real Robin is Dick Grayson, the child acrobat who Bruce Wayne took in as his boy ward after his parents were murdered by the mob during a circus performance..."
Awesome Cop rolls his eyes and shakes his head, and the scene cuts out in the middle of the woman's complaint.
Scene: European restaurant
Alfred sits at a table at the restaurant he goes to every year. He looks up and across the way. There is an empty table there.
A scorched, smoking, and glowing Bruce Wayne suddenly falls onto the empty table. Alfred quickly stands and walks over to him.
BRUCE WAYNE: "Oh wow, I just survived being at the center of a nuclear explosion. It kinda stings a little, and I think it gave me superpowers!"
Alfred shrugs and turns to the camera.
ALFRED: "This is a comic-book movie."