Lollander

Mar. 13th, 2012 07:42 pm
[personal profile] tangaroa
Scene: A bar. It is night time. The customers are all 4chan faces. The Y-U-NO guy exits the door, bringing us to...

Scene: City street. The Y-U-NO guy walks down the street. A blurry shadow is behind him. He turns around and confronts his follower.

Y-U-NO: "Y U NO LET ME LIVE?"

The shadow of a hand thrusting a knife flashes across the screen.


Scene: Police gathered at the crime scene. It is now daytime. Enter detective LOLLANDER, wearing his standard black suitcoat over a rumpled button shirt and having Lolface for a head except that the smile is turned upside down into a frown. LOLLANDER shows his identification to the police.

LOLLANDER: "Lollander."

The police allow him to enter.

LOLLANDER looks down at the body and says nothing.


Scene: In the bar, at night. LOLLANDER and other police are questioning the patrons.

POLICE1: "Did you hear anything suspicious last night?"
POLICE2: "Did you know this man? Did he have any enemies?"
POLICE3: "Who else was at the bar last night?"

LOLLANDER stands up and speaks to another detective.

LOLLANDER: "I've been getting nothing but the runaround from this guy."

The camera pans over and we see that he has been talking to Trollface. LOLLANDER continues without missing a beat.

LOLLANDER: "I suggest we take him in as a material witness. And let's also bring in that guy who just walked in the door."

The camera shows a brief shot of the FUUUUUUU... guy standing in the doorway.



Scene: The offices of Millenium magazine. ANONYMOUS is trying to sell government secrets to the magazine.

ANONYMOUS: "Until you give me more money, these are the only secret government files I'm letting you see."

ANONYMOUS holds up folders marked Uruguay and Niger.

ANONYMOUS: "Get the picture?"

Scene: Outside Millenium's front door. ANONYMOUS closes the door behind him and begins walking away. He is still holding the folders.

ANONYMOUS: "Those greedy capitalist pigs! I think I'll see if I can earn more money from their competition!"

As ANONYMOUS passes an alleyway, a high-pitched voice calls out.

VOICE: "Fooor the revoluuuuution!"

ANONYMOUS: "A comrade in arms. This is truly my lucky day."

ANONYMOUS enters the alleyway.

ANONYMOUS: "My friend, let us contribute towards the destruction of all laws and norms of social behaviour. We will show through our actions that we can do whatever we want if it pleases us, and we don't care what others think about it."

A white-gloved cartoon hand extends a pistol towards ANONYMOUS.

ANONYMOUS: "Now wait a minute. Oh, so it is a trap, then? Well know that while you may kill a man, an idea will live forever!"

The scene switches to the street outside the alley. A gunshot is heard.

ANONYMOUS: "Oh my god I've been shot! Please stop, I don't wanna die!"

Two more shots are heard, and then there is silence.


Later in the day. The police have cordoned off the alleyway. LOLLANDER enters as before. Another detective, ANNE-BRITT HOGLUND, is already on the scene.

HOGLUND: "Young male, shot to death. He was carrying these secret government files."

LOLLANDER: "You think it was political?"

HOGLUND: "That would be the obvious conclusion, but whoever killed him left the files."

LOLLANEER: "Maybe they wanted the files to be seen, or maybe they took what was important and left the rest."

HOGLUND: "I've spoken with a magazine editor who was the last person to see the victim alive. He says he had seen the files and did not notice anything missing."

LOLLANDER: "Was it a robbery?"

HOGLUND: "No, he still had five hundred krona in his wallet."

LOLLANDER: "That's two murders in one week. Neither had anything stolen from them."

HOGLUND: "Do you think they're connected?"

LOLLANDER: "Different weapons were used, but both of the murder victims seem to have been targeted for who they were. What do we know about this man?"

HOGLUND: "Not much. He was not carrying identification. There is no match for his fingerprints. We have no idea who he was."


Scene: Outside an elementary school for girls. Pedo Bear is clinging to the chain-link fence and drooling. The bell rings and the girls go outside. Pedo Bear's face falls, then he turns around and sees what looks like a 7yo girl smoking a cigarette while leaning against a lamp post. Pedo Bear sneaks up on the girl, then sprints and dives at her.

We now see several short stills of Pedo Bear happily grabbing the girl, where the background is anime-style moving-heart wallpaper. It is revealed in the first of these shots that the girl's head is a classic cartoon bomb and the "cigarette" is the lit fuse, and the girl's arms and legs collapse when Pedo Bear squeezes them because they're stuffed. Finally, Pedo Bear rips open the girl's shirt to reveal sticks of dynamite with a digital clock counting down from two seconds. Pedo Bear sweatdrops, and then there is an explosion.


Scene: The police station. LOLLANDER is at his desk trying to make sense of the two murders of ANONYMOUS and Y-U-NO GUY when the police captain, LISA HOLGERSON, walks to his desk.

HOLGERSON: "There has been a bombing."

LOLLANDER: (surprised) "A bombing?"

HOLGERSON: "At a school."

LOLLANDER drops everything and stands up.


Scene: Outside the school. LOLLANDER and HOGLUND are investigating the crime scene.

HOGLUND: "The school will be closed for a week because of this."

LOLLANDER: "Our bomber is not only a killer, he is depriving children of an education."

Pedo Bear's "Free Candy" van drives away in the background.

HOGLUND: "Isn't that the victim's car?"


Scene:

From inside the van's cab, we see the van speed through city streets and run over a MUDKIP in a crosswalk.


Scene: At the police station.

HOLGERSON: "We've asked the public to report any sightings of the van. It should be easy to spot. Hopefully, this will lead us right to the killer."

The young policeman MAGNUS MARTINSSON lowers his phone and speaks up.

MARTINSSON: "We have a lead!"


Scene: Outside a small apartment building. Pedo Bear's van is parked in front in plain sight.

LOLLANDER drives into the parking lot. MARTINSSON is in his passenger seat.

MARTINSSON: "This looks a little too obvious, don't you think?"

LOLLANDER and MARTINSSON approach the apartments with guns drawn.

One of the doors is slightly open.

LOLLANDER: "This is the police! We're coming inside!"

LOLLANDER pushes the door open, looks inside, and lowers his gun. MARTINSSON looks in and flinches back.

MARTINSSON: "Oh my god."

We see the shadowy hanged figure of a very long cat.


Scene: At the police station. It is now dark. LOLLANDER is at his desk looking over several open files.

Police Chief HOLGERSON walks up to his desk.

HOLGERSON: "You don't think LONGCAT was the killer?"

LOLLANDER shakes his gigantic head.

HOLGERSON: "I'm not convinced either. Anyway, I'm done for the night. I hope you can find something."

HOLGERSON walks away.


Scene: LOLLANDER drives home in his car. It is so late at night that the streets are deserted.

Scene: LOLLANDER arrives at his home and sits down in a chair as he is greeted by his hyperactive daughter CIRNO.

CIRNO: "Hi, Dad! Another long night? You look worn down! You need to eat more... ICE CREAM! It is a healthy dairy product loaded with sugar and fat to give you the energy you need to get through the day!"

CIRNO: (aside to camera) "It's the only thing I know how to make."

LOLLANDER: (taking the ice cream) "Thanks."

CIRNO: "And you need to relax from time to time. I got us tickets to see Coldplay! It's cold, and they play! It should be good!"

LOLLANDER: (taking a ticket and looking at the date) "I may not be able to use this. I have a heavy case load this week."

CIRNO: "You always have a heavy case load! You need to take a break! Anyways, I'll be going. If you can make it, maybe we'll see each other."


Scene: Police station holding cells

The next morning, LOLLANDER visits the holding cells where the material witnesses from the bar are beind held. He speaks to TROLLFACE.

LOLLANDER: "Your lawyer got a court order for us to release you even though you haven't been cooperating with the investigation, so you're free to go."

LOLLANDER opens the cell door and the witnesses file out.

LOLLANDER: "If you do have anything you'd like to tell us, anything at all, please let us know."

TROLLFACE stops and smiles at LOLLANDER before walking away.

LOLLANDER looks at the empty cell for a moment and walks away.

The camera pans over to another holding cell where the FUUUUUUU... guy is still behind bars.


Scene: A blatant rip-off of one of the Wallander murder scenes. The green llama-like BUNCHIE creature and the GRASS-MUD HORSE are having a photo taken in a green field. BUNCHIE is wearing a woman's wedding headcover with no veil, while the GRASS-MUD HORSE is wearing a tuxedo top. There may be a wedding arch behind them.

A rifle pokes out from nearby reeds. The unknown assassin shoots the two creatures and they fall over.


Scene: Police station. LOLLANDER and HOGLUND are working.

LOLLANDER: "One of our material witnesses finally came through, but his information does not fit in with anything else we've learned so far."

HOGLUND: "I'm sure we'll figure it out."

LOLLANDER nods.

Police Chief HOLGERSON walks up to them.

HOLGERSON: "There has been another killing."

HOGLUND: "I can handle this."

LOLLANDER: "Thank you."


Day turns to night. LOLLANDER is still working. HOGLUND has returned and is helping him. HOLGERSON walks up to them, carrying several files.

HOLGERSON: "One of my American colleagues sent us the files for a similar cluster of unsolved cases from the United States."

She throws a few files onto the desk.


LOLLANDER: "So the killer is a fool?"

HOLGERSON: "That is a possibility we have to consider."

LOLLANDER: "And there is a connection between these killings in America and our cases?"

HOGLUND: "They were all Internet memes."

LOLLANDER looks at the digital clock on his desk. It is now 9:09.

LOLLANDER: "Cirno."


Scene: LOLLANDER drives to the theater where the concert is, and tries to find a spot to park.


Scene: Inside the theater where Coldplay is between songs. CIRNO is in the audience. Coldplay's lead singer CHRIS MARTIN addresses the audience.

CHRIS MARTIN: "We do have other songs, you know. Some of them are pretty good." He shrugs and turns to his bandmates. "We'll give them what they want to hear." He sits at his piano and begins playing Clocks.

Cut to a scene of CIRNO smiling and enjoying the music, then there is a sudden explosion and a rafter falls from the ceiling, crushing the CLOCK CREW in their front-row seats.

CHRIS MARTIN: "Holy shit!"

CIRNO looks up and sees a shadow moving in the rafters.

CIRNO: "A villain! I bet he did not count on the presence of a Gensokyo fighter!"

CIRNO flies into battle.


Scene: LOLLANDER tries to get into the theater. He presents his police badge.

LOLLANDER: "Lollander. I have suspicion a serious crime is going to be committed at the concert."

TICKET TAKER: "Do you have a ticket?"

LOLLANDER reaches into a pocket and hands over the ticket.


LOLLANDER pushes past fleeing audience members into the theater. He enters a hallway where STRAWBERRY CLOCK is holding a gun to CIRNO's head.

CIRNO: "How the fuck did this happen?"

LOLLANDER: "Cirno!"

STRAWBERRY: "Hooold it riight theere, Lollander!"

LOLLANDER: "Strawberry Clock! You were responsible for all of these killings? Why did you do it?"

STRAWBERRY: "Iii am the greaatest Internet meme there eever waas! Now drooop your weeapon."

LOLLANDER reaches down and puts his gun on the floor.

STRAWBERRY: "Thiiis will be my greaatest viictory. Twooo for the priice of oone".

STRAWBERRY CLOCK takes aim at LOLLANDER. As STRAWBERRY speaks, MARTINSSON enters from the far end of the hallway. He rolls what looks like a Ghostbusters ghost trap down the hallway. It stops under STRAWBERRY CLOCK. He pushes a button and a giant blender pops out of the box and purees STRAWBERRY CLOCK. CIRNO runs to LOLLANDER and hugs him.

LOLLANDER: "Thanks. Where did you get that?"

MARTINSSON: "ThinkGeek."
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