LOUD CREWMAN: "CAPTAIN PORNO!!! The FEDDIERAYSHIN CAPTAIN is ARRIVING on BOARD our SHIP! He's GOING to BE HERE, ANY MINUTE!!!!! oh he's right here."
FEDDIE: "Hey, man, what's up?"
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(Ass. Press Wire) SOUTH FULTON, TN. After the fire department of South Fulton, Tennessee allowed a man's home to burn because he had not paid his $75 tax, an enterprising alliance of local Obion County community activists and perfectly legitimate businessmen from New Joisey have emerged to offer additional "fire protection services" to the county supervisors and the city council of South Fulton.
Obion County Communist Party spokesperson Spindle Whippoorwill and waste disposal manager Vito Imanitialiangetitini announced the initiative at a press conference attended by livestock from farms from up to fifty miles away, Whippoorwill saying "Since these people have shown themselves to be selfish jerks with their policies, they may require extra fire protection. For a fee of only $75,000 we can guarantee that their homes will be protected by the Carbon Dioxide Liberation Front and the Perfectly Honest Garbage Hauling Company of Jersey City, which is truly a progressive organization that we are proud to associate ourselves with." Imanitaliangetitini added, "considder dis an offer dat youse cannot refuse."
Upon learning of the announcement, the Obion County Sheriff's Department put out an APB for all three members of the Communist Party of Obion County. A police spokesman said with a mix of professionalism and dejection, "Well, it's an arson threat so we have to put out the warrants, but we can't arrest them unless they pay $75, and so far they haven't paid."
Introducing the characters:
Swill: "Look at this crossword puzzle. If you take the first letters of the words in the first column and last column going down and you replace the E in Exec (54 down, short for CEO) with an 'X' since the word starts with an E X and people tend to abbreviate that type of word that way, it spells out 'BUUT SSEX'."
Haggis: "Did you tell anyone else about this? Anyone at all?"
Haggis: "That's really funny. I'm going to go tell Keel about it."
Haggis walks out the door and a commuter train falls on him. Yes, in the middle of an office building.