Harambe lived like an ape in the zoo
Would you like a banana?
The TV showed the end of his life
And he became a legend.
Have you ever seen a gorilla
As handsome as Harambe?
Would you cry if the zookeeper shot him?
Would you give a damn?
He sat around on his gorilla butt
And now he is in heaven.
They took his life with a shot in the heart
And some say that was heartless.
Have you ever seen a 3-year-old boy
Dropped inside your pen?
Would you try to wash him in the water?
Would you try to eat him?
Would you try to eat him?
Here's an idea that I got one morning and spent the whole rest of the day writing down. Might as well publish.
The Boddy Estate
It is a dark and stormy night outside the Boddy Estate, a Victorian mansion.
A group of detectives enter the mansion. They resemble Sam Spade, Sherlock Holmes, Jessica Fletcher, Charlie Chan, and other familiar faces. They badmouth and berate each other like the parodies in Murder By Death but are even more abrasive because they are only going to be on screen for a minute.
Lightning flashes and the power goes out, leaving them in darkness. The detectives insult each other again, their voices rising as they nearly come to blows.
Lightning flashes and thunder booms, and there is silence and darkness.
The Boddy Estate at morning
Morning breaks through the mansion's windows. Every one of the detectives is dead, sprawled all over the room. One of the bodies is hanging by a noose from a slowly spinning ceiling fan. Another has knives in his body. In the foreground, an open bottle of poison sits next to someone's drink. Spread across the ground are at least two pistols, an axe, a lead pipe, a broken candlestick, and other murder implements. There is no blood. This is PG.
At the open front door stands a group of teenagers with a Great Dane dog. One of the teenagers says: "Gee golly! It's a mystery!"
Cut to opening credits. ( Read more... )
Looking over my directory of partially-written bad fanfics, I see:
- a Batman fanfic where Batman is forced to work together with Slade (the Teen Titans villain) and his team of Bad Guys
- an Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull fanfic where Mutt turns into a Timothy Leary dropout druggie in the '60s
- a Metajets fanfic where I kill off several named characters and put others out of commission
- a Slayers fanfic that resulted from several iterations of messing with the universe until it was set 20 years in the future and dealing with the heros' kids, and an accompanying outline for a story that destroys that universe another 50 years in the future
- a Smash Brothers fanfic/parody where the fighters are recruited by a guy who messes up universes for fun
- an outline for a Stein's Gate fanfic that puts Okabe in the hospital and makes Kurisu the lead
- a Star Trek:TNG fanfic where the Federation gets in a civil war, and Picard and Riker end up as opposing captains
- a Transformers fanfic with a little bit of intellectual insight into geopolitics, no tits, and fewer explosions
- [Edit Sep 10] and one more I haven't begun to write: a Garbage Pail Kids fic that patterns the dolls after stereotypical 1950s gangbangers, removes all the grossout humor and replaces it with slapstick, and makes the dolls one faction in a great Toy War involving parodies of Barney, Pokemon, GI Joe, He-Man, Green Army Men, and the Care Bears
My imagination doesn't like to stay within the bounds of an existing universe. I don't write episodes. My tendency is to do something grand with it that changes how the universe is arranged.
Bonus: have some parody ideas that I haven't written but I can tell the whole joke in one paragraph.
- Metroid: rough brunette '80s Samus wakes up from cryosleep and mugs sexy blonde Zero Suit Samus in an alleyway, then takes her armor back
- Touhou: Komachi and Reimu set up a racket where Reimu hunts and kills wealthy criminals, Komachi ferries their souls across the Styx to meet her work quota while charging them a significant fee, and then Komachi makes a donation to Reimu's shrine. Then the loli vampire Remelia appears in Reimu's room at night to warn her that pedophiles are *her* business.
- Touhou again, crossed with End Of Evangelion. Enough said. No, I can say more. The invaders are the TF2 characters, then I ran out of ideas so let's redo the Twilight Zone doll episode with Shang, Pyro, and Engineer.
Fistfook Media's prize-winning journalist Gleen Grenwald has announced plans to release a gargantuan blast of flatulence in the near future. "This fart will be by far the biggest fart that I have ever farted," Grenwald predicted. "This is the fart that will expose the reality of manmade global warming by pushing the Earth's ecosystem over the tipping point." For maximum effect, Grenwald plans to release the fart directly into the face of David Koch.
The US government has argued that the release of the fart at this time may threaten the lives of endangered songbirds in the area and cause lasting damage to the resale value of nearby homes. However, Grenwald is not concerned. "I have been holding onto this for too long already," he said. "I feel inside me that the time is right for this release."
Yes, I have descended to the point of posting fart jokes. Pity me.
Young Charles Xavier: "I can't fookin' believe they call thish pishwater beer. I'm not busshed in the shlightesht."
Young Magneto: "Rawrgh I hate you so much and we're going to be enemies for the rest of our lives! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"
Young Charles Xavier: "Erik *hic*, when I invited you over to my playsh to get pished, I meant in the English shensh."
Young Magneto: "Oh."
(Suddenly, a portal in time and space opens in the middle of the room and ejects Wolverine.)
Wolverine: "I HEARD THERE WAS BEER HERE! And since I'm from Canada, I can get pissed in both the American and the English sense. RAWWRARRARRARRARRGH!!!!" (Wolverine drinks all the beer and the audience loves it.)
So in our postmodern horror entertainment we have vampires who don't act a thing like vampires and zombies that don't act a thing like zombies. Going along with the trend, I give you:
The Postmodern Werewolf
His body is covered in skin. He has a crew cut and is balding slightly which almost hides the fact that he is a werewolf, but his werewolf nature gives him a bit of chin stubble in the evenings.
And he wears a dog collar. Because he's a werewolf.
He is a vegetarian, having sworn off red meat for his health. However, the hunter's nature is still in him, so he runs a fishing boat off Cape Cod and he checks ebay for bargain deals.
When the moon is full, he says "hey that's neat" and goes inside to watch Sailor Moon anime.
You will never catch him drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. He goes for Starbucks. No, wait; Wolf Coffee. Because he's a werewolf, you see.
A parody of Tenchi Muyo which popularized the Harem genre of anime which is exactly what it sounds like: a male fantasy where one guy is surrounded by several girls who all love him. An obvious path to parody is to extend the wish fulfillment to its logical consequence in which all the women are visibly pregnant while "Genji" is a nervous wreck trying to budget for future expenses on the income of a backwoods shrinekeeper. The expy-girls exaggerate the behaviours of the characters they were based on for comic effect. Genji is so unexpectedly attractive that every woman he meets tries to have sex with him whether he wants to or not, risking potentially expensive additions to the harem.
It's funny as a concept, but that lasts 30 seconds.
Quick points of potential comedy:
- expy-Washuu builds a small nuclear reactor that "leaks a bit, but I can fix that later" to save money on the electric bill.
- expy-Sasami (the young one) asks Genji if they can "do special hugs again". Exaggerate her youth to the borderline between facepalm and throw-remote-through-screen for comic aughfect. If anyone casts aspersions, Genji says "I was drunk!"
- Genji also knocked up the cabbit. "I was VERY drunk!"
That's still not much material. Here's a potential plotline:
Genji Macho meets Dragonball Z
The gang is visiting Tokyo when a Space Toyota rocket lands in the middle of the street. A shirtless Vegeta-expy exits the rocket, showing off his muscles and announcing "I have traveled six million light years to beat up an average normal person! Hey, you look like a normal person!" Expy-Vegeta grabs Genji by the neck and lifts him into the air.
Expy-Ryoko threatens to kick XPV's ass unless he puts her man down, and all of the other girls cluster around making the same threat.
XPV: "Huh? Are these all your girls?"
XPV: "Whoa! An average guy gets six women? This planet is awesome! I'm totally staying here!"
One of the girls says that it's not normal.
XPV: "So he's not an average normal person? I almost made a horrible mistake!"
XPV drops Genji and turns to the side to shout "You look like a normal person!" to some guy who was listening to an iPod and gets off a brief "huh?" before XPV starts pounding him into the pavement.
Later, XPV's equally spikey-haired, muscular, shirtless sister shows up to thank the team for keeping her brother out of trouble and/or helping him in some other way, and of course she falls in love with Genji and becomes the screw-of-the-week.
That is still not much material, which is why I'm posting this as a brief outline of the idea rather than trying to make a story out of it.
It would not surprise me if a parody along these lines has already been done. The idea is so obvious.
BTW, here's a link to the Tenchi Muyo opening song.
This would be a parody of Accel World, an anime in which (I've heard; haven't seen it) a dumpy-looking boy plays an MMORPG and then elements from the virtual reality begin to intrude upon real life. In the parody, he makes up for all of the grief and teasing he has gotten over his lifetime by becoming a PKing griefer in-game, and this attitude starts to leak into his behaviour in real life. In every episode, he does something extraordinarily and hilariously outrageous that makes a bystander say "Wow... what an asshole!"
- In game, he will sit outside the newbie town and one-shot a Level 1 player as soon as he exits the gate, then point down at the body and horse-laugh "HAW HAW HAW" at him.
- An in-game showdown with another powerful player leads to a one-way exchange of taunts and insults that leaves the other player is shocked, amused, and then bored. The other player decides not to fight and turns around to leave, so the asshole shoots him in the back.
- IRL, he begins to drive a jacked-up red truck with giant tires and a Confederate flag, intentionally cutting people off in traffic and driving like a maniac. Mind you, this is taking place in Japan.
- He griefs a teacher of his who is learning the game from a nephew, to the point where the teacher says "This game is supposed to be fun, right?" The nephew calls in his friends to even the odds, and the asshole summons the admins and gets the nephew's whole crew kicked from the game for harassing him.
- He steals in-game currency (worth real money) from a Russian mobster who decides to pay him a personal visit during a business trip to Japan. After the mobster gives him some words of appreciation for the ballsiness of what he did and a warning not to do it again, he leaks/invents information that gets the mobster in trouble with the powers that be in Moscow.
- If something shows up in the news or the culture as an asshole thing to do, he does it. SWATing? Definitely. Bonus points for magnificence, offensiveness, and harmlessness (funny before cruel).
Eventually, at some shadowy headquarters, a subordinate reports to the big boss...
SUBORDINATE: "There is somebody who you ought to be aware of."
The big boss flips through the printout and throws it down on his desk, revealing himself to be...
DENNIS LEARY: "Do you really think this little twerp could possibly be a threat to my position?"
SUBORDINATE: "He shows potential."
DENNIS LEARY: "Keep an eye on him. By the way, your shoe's untied."
The subordinate looks down. Dennis Leary flicks up his nose and laughs.
At the next meeting, it goes like this:
DENNIS LEARY: "... By the way, your shoe's untied."
SUBORDINATE: "I'm not falling for that a second time."
Dennis Leary stomps a foot down on the subordinate's untied shoelace, tripping him.
This idea has the potential to go somewhere, perhaps as an Improfanfic story (omg they're still around) or even its own show if someone threw money at it. I don't have the time, motivation, or knowledge of the source material to come up with a single storyline for it.
Phil McGrack (based on Dr. Phil McGraw) is a TV talk-show psychologist. He will bring someone on to the show to explain their life's problems, and then in the kindest, gentlest voice he will say something like this:
- "It's your problem. Deal with it."
- "You see, your problems are your fault."
Then cut to a reaction shot from the fuming guest.
Comedy comes from the fact that everybody at some point in their lives has met somebody who came to them expecting sympathy while deserving to hear exactly that, but it is not polite to say so. McGrack completely ignores that social taboo and does so in an unexpectedly sympathetic tone of voice, the complete opposite of the stereotypical gruffness of most people who would say something like that.
This idea only has the potential to be a brief 30-second sub-parody in another story. There is only one joke and it gets old fast.
SCENE: The wizard Gandalf enters Hobbiton to visit his friend.
GANDALF: "Hey, B-man, you got the stuff?"
BILBO: (smiling) "In my pocketses."
[Bilbo pulls out a baggie of weed. Gandalf takes some and lights up.]
GANDALF: "OOHHHH WOW this is it right here."
... six months later ...
BILBO: "Hey, weren't we supposed to be going on an adventure or something?"
GANDALF: "Aw, we can do that later; the movie's long enough. Got anything to eat around here?"
Peter Jackson presents...
180 minutes of Gandalf's downward spiral. A movie that is this generation's "2001: A Space Oddysey" in that you have to be stoned to see it.
Scene: Title card
We see the title card for The Dark Knight Rises.
A Fundie stands up in front holding up a sign with the Batman logo.
FUNDIE: "He is RISEN--oof!"
The Fundie gets run over by the Batmobile.( After your Dark Knight rises, poke it with a toothpick. If parts of the Dark Knight stick to the toothpick, place the Dark Knight back in the oven for ten minutes and check it again. )
Bill sponsor Anthony Portapotti [R-Pasadena] addressed supporters saying, "the law is a goo... uh, great law for peace and public decency. We can now get those weird words off our streets where no one can be weirded out by strange new things."
Exempted from the law are the names of California, Sacramento, and the personal names of some Republican lawmakers. Among the expected outcomes of the law are that the Republican party will be renamed the "GOP" which will not stand for anything and its members will be known as "Reds", and "San Fran" will become the official name of the city currently known as San Francisco.
Regulatory attention is expected to next turn to California's public flea markets, where the unregulated sale of elite books is said to be commonplace...
[Inspired by similar current events]
The PencilNeck Chronicles
The boy and girl find some magical artifacts and explore the magical forest where they are attacked by an aggressive muscular imp while vines sprout to trap all three inside a square. The imp taunts them and flexes its muscles. The girl identifies the imp from the Magic Book.
IMP: "What we got here, a couple of PENCIL-NECKED GEEKS?"
GIRL: "It's called a Fredblassie! They're very aggressive."
IMP: "You about to feel the PAIN coming down, OOH YEAH!"
The boy and girl each take turns fighting the Fredblassie using obviously faked 1980s WWF moves while riffing the taunts and acts of WWF fighters, tagging each other out to switch fighters while the other one reads more of the Magic Book to try to find a way to defeat it. Finally, one of them finds a spell in the Magic Book that can defeat the Fredblassie.
They take turns speaking the spell, but nothing happens.
Then one of the kids decides to try reading the spell through the Magic Mirror.
Both children shout the spell as loud as they can. The Fredblassie is pulled into a magic vortex and the vines wither away.
Volcker, Texas Economist Ranger
The Texas Rangers are preparing to bust drug dealers in a cabin out in the wilds. Volcker suggests legalizing drugs to increase supply so their business will not be profitable and they will stop dealing drugs on their own initiative. The rangers explain that they're trying to get rid of drugs and that would be counterproductive.
Volcker gets sent out to recon the cabin. He gets in a fight with the drug dealers, and, well, he's an 80-year-old man so he ends up tied up in a chair. The Rangers kick down the door and Volcker tells the drug dealers that they are about to become familiar with a famous economic theory: the Prisoner's Dilemma.
Ramona and Beezus and Butthead
Beavis and Butthead are on a city sidewalk. Beavis runs into traffic and cars veer around him and crash. One car runs into a gas station and causes a mushroom-cloud explosion. Police vans show up immediately and cart Beavis away, and the whole scene only lasts ten or fifteen seconds.
BEAVIS: "Don't tase my butt!" (zap) "AUGH MY BUTT!"
BUTTHEAD: "Huhuhuh that was cool."
There is a change of style and pacing as Beatrice (13yo) and Ramona (9yo little sister) enter the scene. Beatrice decides to hang out with Butthead because he's in high school and therefore must be cool. Butthead takes them back to his place and proceeds to "hey baby" both of them and run through a list of adolescent deviant behaviour tropes.
- He gives Beatrice a beer (which is a non-alcoholic Near Beer)
- He gives her a cigarette which he "lights" with a flashlight
Finally they get around to seeing music videos. Ramona head-bangs hard to Rob Zombie's Dragula.
BEATRICE: "I didn't know MTV played music videos."
BUTTHEAD: "They only play videos like late at night."
BEATRICE: "Late at night? What time is it?" (checks) "Oh my god it's like two o'clock! We have to get home!"
After they leave, Butthead remarks that he's totally gonna score.
The next day, Ramona innocently tells the parents about how Beatrice was up all night with a high school boy who gave her beer and cigarettes.
Scene: City street. The Y-U-NO guy walks down the street. A blurry shadow is behind him. He turns around and confronts his follower.
Y-U-NO: "Y U NO LET ME LIVE?"
The shadow of a hand thrusting a knife flashes across the screen.
Scene: Police gathered at the crime scene. It is now daytime. Enter detective LOLLANDER, wearing his standard black suitcoat over a rumpled button shirt and having Lolface for a head except that the smile is turned upside down into a frown. LOLLANDER shows his identification to the police.
The police allow him to enter.
LOLLANDER looks down at the body and says nothing.
( Read more... )
LOUD CREWMAN: "CAPTAIN PORNO!!! The FEDDIERAYSHIN CAPTAIN is ARRIVING on BOARD our SHIP! He's GOING to BE HERE, ANY MINUTE!!!!! oh he's right here."
FEDDIE: "Hey, man, what's up?"
( Read more... )