tangaroa | Unfinished parody: Marksman Blunt

Here is an unfinished parody that was found while cleaning up old files on my hard drive.

Parody of Bernard Cornwell's Richard Sharpe series, with enough humour that you don't need to know the series to get the jokes. As Britain fights Napoleon's troops in Spain of [181X], one soldier's heroism stands out.

Multi-episode story with running themes:

Blunt's ridiculously jingoistic nature and superhuman fighting ability
Blunt is injured in every episode by a similarly powerful French soldier in a final encounter reminiscent of video game minibosses. The French soldier might even be dressed the same and be played by the same actor.
The French soldier repeats the same line "you are an excellent sword fighter, Englishman, but" + the French soldier's advantage for that episode
Medical treatment with maggots (never seen). Doctor with raspy voice.
Blunt is promoted to a new rank in every episode. After he becomes an officer, a great deal is made of how he rose through the ranks.

Every episode is pretty much the same: Blunt has a new rank (he just has it), he goes to war, he faces off against the final elite French soldier, he is wounded, he beats the French soldier in some ridiculously unbelievable fashion, and he heads back to the medical tent for maggot treatment.

Expect the first episode to be badly received and the second to be a curiousity. After the third (where he picks up and throws a horse), Blunt becomes a running-gag hero and people will watch to see what he will do next.

I envision Blunt being played by Orlando Jones who can do the exaggerated gallantry. Having a black guy as the ultrapatriotic Englishman makes it nuttier.

Jokes we do NOT make:

No marijuana jokes on Blunt's name. It's Not Funny and would break the theme of the story and pull Blunt out of character.
No "French Surrender" jokes. It's old and Not Funny. What might be funny is to have a French soldier say "The French never surrender!", but that would only work once if at all.

Brief episode list:

Episode 1: Private Blunt shoots a guy at far out of rifle range. Loses an eye.
Episode 2: Corporal Blunt fights drawn out battle. Loses a lung.
Episode 3: Sergeant Blunt throws horse at left-handed swordsman, loses an ear.
Episode 4: Lieuftenant Blunt fights guy with fast sword. Loses other lung.
Episode 5: Captain Blunt ???
Episode 6: Major Blunt fights guy with two swords. Loses a leg.
Episode 7: Colonel Blunt fights guy with long sword. Loses an arm.
Episode 8: General Blunt fights Napoleon and wins the war.

Episode 1

Open to view of a hillside with tents posted and a British flag flying. A subtitle says "Portugal 1810", the last time we will need to state the setting.

Cut to inside of medical test. The camera pans over bandaged and disheveled soldiers moaning and writing in pain. The camera continues panning over the soldiers until it comes upon Private Blunt, staring straight ahead as if still at attention and with a fire of determination in his eyes. He never loses this appearance.

[TODO: Officer arrives to rally troops as reinforcements to another unit already in the field]

Blunt springs upright in his bed, grabs his coat, and leaves the medical tent to join the force.

[Officer: "But you are wounded, soldier."]

Blunt: "It is only a bayonet to the gut. It does not bother me."

Officer: [curiously] "What is your name?"

Blunt: "Private Richard Blunt, sir."

Officer: "All right, Private Blunt. If you are able to march, gather your equipment and prepare yourself." [turns to address everyone] "We leave in five minutes."

Officer turns back and sees Blunt is already fully dressed, wearing his pack, with rifle in hand, and standing at attention.

Officer: "... Or fewer."

Scene changes to battle scene. The British unit marches over a hill and sees the French advancing on a British line. Blunt is leading the march next to the Officer.

Officer: "It seems we are too late. The battle is already engaged over a mile away and our rifles only have a range of three hundred yards."

Blunt: "I can hit them from here."

Blunt advances a few steps, levels his rifle, and fires. Cut to view of the battle, see the French commander falls off his horse and the French begin to panic and retreat as they see the British reinforcements.

Officer: "An excellent shot, marksman Blunt. You must have the sharpest eye of any soldier of Britain."

Blunt: "I agree."

Cut view to French retreat. One French soldier in a special uniform (green rather than blue) stops, aims at the camera, and fires. Cut back to Blunt who whips his head back and puts a hand up to his face; he has been shot in the eye. Blunt grabs the rifle of the soldier nearest him, aims with his other eye, and fires. The Frenchman falls, hit. The British soldiers cheer.

Scene changes to medical tent.

Doctor: "I hope the leeeeeches on your eyeball are not too uncomfortable."

Blunt: "What brings me discomfort is knowing that the French are still out there. The battle continues, yet I am unable to join my fellow men of Britain on the battlefield."

Doctor: "Also, your bayonet wound has become infected. I will have to use... maaaaaaggots."

Blunt: "I am not afraid of maggots. I am only afraid that we might rest easy while Napoleon is still out there." [Blunt carries on into patriotic speech]

Episode 2

[TODO: Entry]

Corporal Blunt leads his men onto the field against a team of French marksmen. Blunt and the French commander (with the same uniform and actor as the last episode's elite) each march several paces in front of their lines in such a way that if this were a real battle, they would both get pegged in the back every time their soldiers fired.

One side fires and stops to reload, the line behind them marches and fires, soldiers fall, etc, in standard reenactment form. Near the end, Blunt fires, picks up a rock, throws it, and takes out one of the French soldiers that way.

After about 3 or 4 rounds of firing, it is down to Blunt and the French commander as the only ones left. The French commander fires and hits Blunt. Blunt flinches, then fires and hits the Frenchman, who flinches. Then both reload (a long process in those days) while Jeopardy music plays in the background. This repeats, and in the second such firing you see that the two combatants are standing only a few away from each other. As the Jeopardy music begins a third time, Blunt gets impatient, shrugs, holds his rifle by the barrel, walks up, and beats the Frenchman over the head with it.

Back at the medical tent, Blunt is informed that the bullets went through his lung. That is fine. He has another one.

Episode 3

[TODO: Entry]

Sergeant Blunt leads his men onto the field of battle again when they are attacked by dragoons (mounted soldiers). Blunt shoots one man off his horse, throws his rifle to spear another with the bayonet, and punches a third horse.

The French commander starts off his horse and starts dueling Blunt.

Frenchman: "You are an excellent sword fighter, Englishman, but you are not used to fighting someone who is left-handed."

The Frenchman swings his sword and chops off Blunt's ear, which lands in the grass. Blunt sticks his sword in the ground, turns around, picks up a nearby horse, and throws it at the Frenchman, who is trapped under its weight.

[TODO: Medical tent scene]

Doctor: "I am worried that the maaaaggots might crawl through your eeear canal and eeeat your braaaain"

Episode 4

Lieutenant Blunt serves under

[TODO or skip: there is a gaping hole here with no story. I think the story in Ep 3 was going to be here originally]

Episode 5

Captain Blunt is briefed on his role in an attack on a fortress.

Officer: "The troops you will be commanding are the Forlorn Hopes. They are the worst refuse of English society: Beggars. Rapists. Catholics.

{etc}

Blunt: "I shall not send the men I lead to certain doom. After all, I rose from the ranks. This is something I must do myself."

Blunt charges the fortress alone. He is shot multiple times and a cannonball bounces off him. He rams his shoulder into the side of the fortress. Cut to stock footage of a wall crumbling.

Blunt waves his men into the fort though the hole.

An elite French soldier steps out of the dust and duels Blunt

[TODO]

Episode 6

A cart of hay is drawn into a French fortress. After a while, Major Blunt rises vertically out of the hay in a special effect since there is nowhere near enough room for him to physically do that.

[TODO: Major Blunt fights guy with two swords. Loses a leg. He picks up the leg and beats the French elite over the head with it.

While hopping around after the battle, Blunt opens a door which bumps into a barrel of gunpowder, knocking off the lit candle that was on top of the barrel onto the gunpowder-dusted floor. The room happens to be the powder store.

A very burnt Blunt lands outside the British command tent.

OFFICER: "Ah, Major Blunt, you have returned."

[TODO]

Episode 7

[TODO Colonel Blunt fights guy with long sword. Loses an arm. He picks up his arm and wins the duel with his severed arm still holding his sword being longer than the Frenchman's long sword.]

To escape, Blunt sits on a French cannon pointed towards the British camp and lights the fuse.

Blunt dances into the medical tent in as close as he gets to a panic, starting to lose his composure for the first time in the series.

Doctor: "Do you need more maaaagots?"

Blunt: "No, I need a proctologist!"

A heretofore unseen character walks into the scene with a toilet plunger. FWOOMP and a cannonball drops to the side of the bed.

Blunt: "Thank you. That was really bothering me."

Episode 8

At a command tent, Blunt suggests that Admiral Nelson meet the French and Spanish fleets at Trafalgar and he suggests that Duke Wellington try out this new style of boots.

The British army is storming a fortress. Blunt leads the charge and rushes up a spiral stone stairwell when he is stopped by seven or eight of the same elite soldier he has fought in previous episodes. Blunt takes them all down with one swing of his sword and continues up the stairs.

Inside an upper chamber, Napoleon sits on a stool leaning his arm on a table, with a bored / disgruntled look on his face. On the table is a map of Europe with areas marked as "MON" "MON" "MON" "MON "MON". Russia has the "MON?" crossed out and replaced with "NON!"

Blunt knocks open the door and charges into the room. Napoleon rises to the challenge and draws his sword.

Napoleon: You must be General Blunt. I have heard that you are an excellent swordsman. However, I am Napoleon!

When the camera angle changes to include both Blunt and Napoleon, we see that Napoleon's head reaches to Blunt's waist and his sword is tiny in comparison. They have a duel. Napoleon knocks Blunt's sword out of his hand and pulls his arm back to jab his sword at Blunt's crotch. Blunt grabs Napoleon's wrist and shakes his head. "I've lost enough body parts."

Blunt drags Napoleon to the window and kicks him in the butt and out the window. Napoleon flies out the window and up up and away, obviously on wires.

The scene shifts to a beach on a small island. Napoleon lands in the sand. He sits up, puts his hat on, tosses a handful of sand, and sighs.

Standing below the British flag as the sun sets, Blunt gives a patriotic speech about making the world safe for monarchy and imperialism. This ends the series.