On the bridge of the Cromulent ship. Captain Porno, nursing a hangover, sits in his recliner with one hand in of a big bag of Doritos. A Loud Crewman reports in, waving his hands and overacting almost every word.


FEDDIE: "Hey, man, what's up?"
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Every major and minor character is gathered in the grand ballroom of the Ice King's palace. The Ice King stands on a balcony and addresses the group.

ICE KING: "I am holding this royal ball on this day, a week after the last time I held a royal ball, to show everyone that I have more balls than that stupid Fire King. I hope that, for you, this will be a day of joy and ecstacy. Really, I came loaded."
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Four people stand in a shattered, post-apocalyptic landscape. They are:

  • Bill from Left 4 Dead
  • Iji from Iji, with her gigantic Tasen General gun
  • Robert Neville (aka Legend) from I Am Legend, with his dog Sam
  • the Vault-Dweller from Fallout, wearing his Vault 13 uniform

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(Opening animation is like Metajets with lots of quick clips with "meta meta" voiceovers except all of the "meta"s are repeated as the actual title of the show.)

Scene: CAPTAIN STRONG's briefing room. The team is standing at attention. Scenes are seen from behind the speaking character or from above so there is no animation.

STRONG: "At ease, team." (No movement) "We have become aware that our usual enemies, Black Crud, are planning to rob a transport ship carrying paper money between the ground and an airborne settlement."

JOHNNY: "Paper money? I thought everyone used electronic credits these days."

STRONG: "Most people do, but this is actually the last money transport in operation so the Metametametametametametametametametametajets are going to protect it."

MAGGIE: "Should we transform?"

STRONG: "You might as well. We spent the entire animation budget on the transformation sequences."

(they transform)

STRONG: "Now don't move! We can't afford it! Oh, and I forget to mention that you still have a race you have to run. I probably should have told you that before you transformed because now you'll have to transform back into your secret identities, but whatever. Now go out there and fly."
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My blogging career was going nowhere so I decided to go to Iraq to look for a story. I found one, alright. It was on my way there, in Kuwait, that I met an old soldier who told me the strangest story I had ever heard.
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Scene: A clearing at the edge of a jungle bluff. Every villain from the Captain Planet series is there facing off the Planeteers, along with a few new characters who will be described shortly.

LEAD VILLAIN: "We've won, Planeteers! We've captured your precious Captain Planet and tied him up in chains made of PURE POLLUTION, and we're going to dip him into a vat of PURE POLLUTION!"

PLANETEER: "Let's use our power rings to save the Captain!"

LEAD VILLAIN: "You don't know you've already lost. We've planned for this."
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Significant ponies:

  • Night Shadow - Leader of evil side. Colors are black and purple. Wears heavy armor, dual .50 caliber autocannons, four heavy green missiles, and a neck-mounted rotating sawblade for face-to-face combat. Cutie mark is a nuclear mushroom cloud.
  • Crystal Break - Leader of less-evil side. Potential colors: yellow, pink, white. Uses a laser cannon. Has a heavy battery pack on her back. Cutie mark is a small constellation of stars.
  • Poison Blade - Minion of evil side. May be cut out of the story. Colors include blue and green. Wears a jet pack for increased speed and limited flight. Wears shock absorbers / springs on her legs for landing and extra running speed. Weapons include shotguns and side-mounted spear/swords. Cutie mark may be a vial of green liquid or a recognizable poisonous plant.

Minion ponies of both sides are various random colors.

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The title card is modified to show headshots of Phineas and a Zerg Hydralisk next to their names.
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Welcome to "Drat. The movies." We have a large number of films to review tonight, so let's go straight to our first clip.
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(Ass. Press Wire) SOUTH FULTON, TN. After the fire department of South Fulton, Tennessee allowed a man's home to burn because he had not paid his $75 tax, an enterprising alliance of local Obion County community activists and perfectly legitimate businessmen from New Joisey have emerged to offer additional "fire protection services" to the county supervisors and the city council of South Fulton.

Obion County Communist Party spokesperson Spindle Whippoorwill and waste disposal manager Vito Imanitialiangetitini announced the initiative at a press conference attended by livestock from farms from up to fifty miles away, Whippoorwill saying "Since these people have shown themselves to be selfish jerks with their policies, they may require extra fire protection. For a fee of only $75,000 we can guarantee that their homes will be protected by the Carbon Dioxide Liberation Front and the Perfectly Honest Garbage Hauling Company of Jersey City, which is truly a progressive organization that we are proud to associate ourselves with." Imanitaliangetitini added, "considder dis an offer dat youse cannot refuse."

Upon learning of the announcement, the Obion County Sheriff's Department put out an APB for all three members of the Communist Party of Obion County. A police spokesman said with a mix of professionalism and dejection, "Well, it's an arson threat so we have to put out the warrants, but we can't arrest them unless they pay $75, and so far they haven't paid."


Sep. 18th, 2010 10:43 am

Introducing the characters:

  • Swill Perverse - The target of a huge conspiracy that controls the entire world but he's so paranoid he makes it out to be more than it really is.
  • Keel Tangram - Swill's secretive boss who is playing every side.
  • Grunt - The snobby team member.
  • Smiles - The geeky team member.
  • Tonka - The dopey team member.
  • The other characters -- I couldn't come up with the funny for them so they're cut out of this parody. It's just that simple. No, actually, it's a conspiracy.
  • Dive Haggis - Swill's previous boss, who departs in the first act like this:

Swill: "Look at this crossword puzzle. If you take the first letters of the words in the first column and last column going down and you replace the E in Exec (54 down, short for CEO) with an 'X' since the word starts with an E X and people tend to abbreviate that type of word that way, it spells out 'BUUT SSEX'."

Haggis: "Did you tell anyone else about this? Anyone at all?"

Swill: "No..."

Haggis: "That's really funny. I'm going to go tell Keel about it."

Haggis walks out the door and a commuter train falls on him. Yes, in the middle of an office building.

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