[personal profile] tangaroa
Having not read the book and only seen a few episodes of the TV show...


[The animated opening sequence of turning gears ends with a rattling cage dropping on a plastic mouse.]


Lord Stark: "The last few episodes were just pornography. When is the backstabbing and political intrigue going to start?"

The King: "How's this?" [stab]

Lord Stark: "Much better!" [dies]


In the royal hall, two pages greet each other and shake hands with their other hands holding daggers behind their backs. They backstab each other as they pass and both fall dead.

King: "This is the Throne of Swords. It made from one hundred swords fused together at the end of the great war. People will kill each other to seize this throne. Whoever sits on it needs to wear strong armour."

Someone: "Because people are always trying to kill you?"

King: "Well there's that, and the throne is made of a hundred swords. It's really uncomfortable."


Meanwhile, on the other side of the ocean, a conspiracy is taking place.

Blond Brother: "I hate these Darkuglys. Just because I had you married into their royal family doesn't mean you have to act like their queen!"

Blonde Sister: "Actually, it literally means that I am their queen."

Blond Brother: "Just give me one reason why we should treat them with any kind of respect."

Blonde Sister: "I can give you about 40,000 reasons."

[They are surrounded by the entire Darkugly army, who draw their swords on him.]

Blond Brother: "I still don't see it."


Later on...

Port City King: "Your brother's plan to seize the Throne of Swords will not work. The Darkuglys have a army, but they lack ships to cross the sea."

[The Darkuglys draw their swords on him.]

Port City King: "You could use my ships."

[The Darkuglys pass by. The king engages the queen in chitchat]

Port City King: "So how fares your brother? I do not see him in this crowd."

Blonde Sister: "He did not survive, but there remains a bit of his spirit in all of us."

Port City King: "I am saddened to hear. He was a rare person."

Blonde Sister: "He seemed overdone to me."


Back in the royal hall, which is now a chaotic mess of people running around and backstabbing each other, the dwarf sits on a stair smoking a cigar.

Dwarf: "This is the kind of time when it's really nice not to be noticed."

The Evil Queen's Evil Brother leans down over him.

Evil Queen's Evil Brother: "Don't think I can't reach down there and backstab you too."

Dwarf: "I don't."

The dwarf pulls a nearby rope and a dagger falls from the ceiling and backstabs the Evil Brother.


Meanwhile, the King sits on his throne watching the mess. He speaks to a page.

The King: "While everyone is chasing after my throne, I think I shall seize the most important throne of them all. When the time is right, I will need you to fetch my Royal Papers."

A second page rushes in.

Page: "My Lord, an army of 40,000 Darkuglys has landed just outside the city, and there are reports of White Wankers in the north!"

The King: "Now sounds like a really good time to abdicate."

The King yells out to the Twerp Prince.

The King: "Hey, you! You want this throne? You're king now. Have fun. I'm outta here."


The royal army marches off against the Darkuglys.

Twerp Prince: "What if we meet the White Wankers? It is said that a single one could destroy a kingdom."

Evil Queen: "Don't worry about the White Wankers. They're just an old story that we use to scare children."


They come upon the Darkugly horde.

Twerp Prince: "I never thought there would be so many of them! Can we win this battle? Should we retreat?"

Soldier: "It's worse than you think, my Lord! Look over there! It's the White Wankers!"

On a nearby hilltop, the White Wankers sit smiling behind their newsdesk.

Megyn Kelly: "Tonight we'll be discussing how much the Darkuglys smell and what that means to King's Landing."

[the Darkuglys look shocked and offended]

Shepard Smith: "You can't expect them not to smell bad. They look different from us."

[the Darkuglys look angrier]

Sean Hannity: "Of course the real reason that the Darkuglys stink so much is that their skin colour is morally inferior."

The Darkugly King leaps onto the newsdesk and kills them all.


The Darkugly King stands and addresses the royal army in his language.

Darkugly King: "Ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang!"

Blonde Sister: "My husband says that he will burn down your city, take all of your children as slaves, and slaughter all surviving adults whether any of you choose to surrender or not."

Stark's youngest daughter steps forward from the royal army and walks right up to the Darkugly King.

Girl: "You're a big meanie!"

The girl kicks the Darkugly King in the shin. He hops around in pain and his army loses the will to fight.


Back in the castle, the surviving conspirators are standing in line in a hallway. The Twerp Prince is kneeling and begging.

Twerp Prince: "Please, please, my Lord! I give up! I recognize you as the rightful King and I won't try to take the throne from you anymore!"

We hear the King's voice from offscreen.

The King: "Okay, that sounds good enough. My page, fetch me my Royal Papers."

The page opens the door and hands in a roll of toilet paper.

(*flush*)

The King steps out.

The King: "It's all yours."

Twerp Prince: [running inside] "Thank you, my Lord!"

The King: "To win the game of thrones, it is important to know the value of all locations on the board."
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