[personal profile] tangaroa

The Man Who Trolled Too Hard

The Joshua Ryne Goldberg story

Act 1

Scene 1a: a Nazi bar.

Iron Crosses hang as decorations in the background. Sitting at the bar are a KU KLUX KLANSMAN, a POLTARD, and UNCLE POL.

KLANSMAN: The white race is dying due to misogyny!

UNCLE POL: Miscegeny.

KLANSMAN: That's what I said! The purity of our bloodlines is being diluted by race mixing!

Enter MOONMETROPOLIS, an obviously Jewish young man with short beard and wearing a yarmulke. He sits between the POLTARD and POL, drinking wine while they are having beer.

MOONMETROPOLIS: Hi fellas! White pride and all that!

UNCLE POL puts a hand on MOONMETROPOLIS's shoulder.


MOONMETROPOLIS looks at him expectantly, waiting for the next line of dialogue, showing no fear whatsoever.

UNCLE POL: Be careful. Jewish infiltrators are everywhere!

MOONMETROPOLIS: I'll let you know if I see one.

POLTARD: We need to show the world the force of white power!

MOONMETROPOLIS: How about holding a rally?

UNCLE POL: Yes! We can strike at the heart of degenerate liberalism by holding a white pride rally in the city of degenerates, San Francisco!

MOONMETROPOLIS: And we could do it in one of the touristy areas that gets a lot of attention, like Pier 39.

UNCLE POL: Finish your drinks. We are going for a ride.

Scene 1b: Highway 101

The group rides their motorcycles out of the rainbow tunnel and onto the Golden Gate Bridge. The motorcycles have Nazi flags flying on poles at the rear of the cycles.

The poltard's German helmet doubles as his motorcycle helmet.

The Klansman has a silly-looking giant hood over his helmet and his motorcycle is flying the KKK flag.

MOONMETROPOLIS's helmet has a giant yarmulke on it and his motorcycle is flying the Israeli flag.

Scene 1c

The KLANSMAN, UNCLE POL, and POLTARD attempt to read a map of the city.

POLTARD: Does anyone know how to read a map?

UNCLE POL turns the map 90 degrees.

The Klansman has his hood on backwards and flips it around.

Off to the side, MOONMETROPOLIS puts a whiteboard up over the sign for Pier 173 and scribbles "Pear 39" on it.

MOONMETROPOLIS: Hey guys! Over here!

The Nazis march down the pier which is just a thin floating platform, waving their flags and shouting about white pride to an audience of one seagull who flies away.

Meanwhile, MOONMETROPOLIS runs behind the corner of a nearby building and shouts OY GEVALT! like in the Frisco Kid. He then runs back to the pier.

MOONMETROPOLIS: Guys! Guys! The Jewish infiltrators are coming!

He saws through the pier with a handsaw.

MOONMETROPOLIS: I'm going to cut you loose so you can escape across the bay!

He kicks the floating pier into the bay.

MOONMETROPOLIS: Go on! I'll hold them off!

The pier starts sinking into the water as the confused /pol/acks look back toward shore.

MOONMETROPOLIS: Au revoir my friends! Remember my sacrifice! Au revoir!

Act 2

Scene 2a: University grounds

MOONMETROPOLIS is walking through a university campus where a feminist is giving a speech that nobody is paying attention to. He stops to listen.

FEMINIST: ... and they are harassing me and saying such horrible things about me! They call me an idiot and say that my facts are wrong! Can you imagine anyone questioning what people say? AT A UNIVERSITY?!

MOONMETROPOLIS smirks as he gets a brilliant idea.

Scene 2b: MoonMetropolis's house

MOONMETROPOLIS sits at a desk with a bottle of glue and a pair of scissors cutting letters out of Stupid People magazine and pasting them onto a piece of paper.

Scene 2c

The FEMINIST opens an envelope, reads the letter inside, and screams.

Scene 2d

The FEMINIST rushes into the university's Diversity Club which is staffed by four average-looking white guys who all look exactly alike down to their eye colour and the clothes they are wearing.

FEMINIST: These haters are threatening me again! Do something about it!

CLUB MEMBER 1: How horrible! Believe me, we'll do everything we can!


The FEMINIST leaves.

CLUB MEMBER 1: Did you send this one?

CLUB MEMBER 2: No, it wasn't me this time.

CLUB MEMBER 3: Are people from the outside sending these in now?

CLUB MEMBER 1: It's about time.

Scene 2e

MOONMETROPOLIS reads the feminist's Facebook page and sees pictures of the feminist with a pet rat and a pet cat. He turns to the side and starts pasting letters onto paper.

MOONMETROPOLIS (voiceover): I will feed your pet rat to your pet cat...

Scene 2f

TV shows the C-SPAN congressional hearing on the need to repeal the First Amendment.

FEMINIST: (sobbing) and then... my cat ate my rat... They said they would do it!

MOONMETROPOLIS smiles as he turns off the TV and opens up a newspaper.

Act 3

Scene 3a

A balaclava-masked terrorist sits at a typewriter typing out a letter.

TERRORIST: Dear Abby. I want to murder a lot of innocent people but I don't know how. Please help. Signed, Jihad Jihad al-Jihad.

Scene 3b: Abby's response in the newspaper.

ABIGAIL VAN BUREN (voiceover): Dear Mr. Jihad. Why don't you go kill yourself?

Scene 3c

The terrorist reads the response in the newspaper.

TERRORIST: Yes, something along those lines could work...

The terrorist's phone rings. He picks it up.

TERRORIST: Moshi Moshi.

MOONMETROPOLIS: Hi, this is Mohammed... Mohammed, from the terrorist organization Al-... Night Long. I'd like to train you to become a better terrorist.

TERRORIST (enthusiastically): Ooh!

Scene 3d

A government official based on Rita Katz gives a press conference. The emblem on the podium is a snarling eagle wearing a beret and chewing a cigar while holding a firing machine gun in each claw.

OFFICIAL: The federal government has intercepted threatening communications from a dangerous terrorist organization calling itself al-Night Long. We are increasing the national threat level and deploying all available resources to neutralize this new threat to our national security.

Scene 3e

The terrorist is on the phone. He has a bomb on his desk that incorporates a dipping bird and a digital clock blinking "12:00".

TERRORIST: I have constructed the bomb according to your specifications. Tell me when we will be ready to destroy the arch of St. Louis.

MOONMETROPOLIS: Before we destroy the St. Louis Arch, we should practice on the Golden Arches. Your target will be the advertising sign on the McDonald's on Third Street. Also, you should coat the explosive in rat poison to make it more deadly. Drink it first to be sure it's not too far past its date.

TERRORIST: I will do that.

A knock is heard.

MOONMETROPOLIS: Hold on. There is someone at my door.

Scene 3f

MOONMETROPOLIS opens his front door to see two tired and slightly amused federal agents. One of them opens his FBI identification card.


Closing credits roll.

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