[personal profile] tangaroa

Here's an unfinished story that I started as a response to the Avengers movie.

212 days before the invasion

In a dark and misty realm, the blue-skinned alien warlord gathers his six lieutenants and tells them to search for new realms to conquer.

146 days before the invasion

Inside a laboratory, a young technician approaches the Mad Scientist, a middle aged guy with a beer gut wearing a Confederate flag belt buckle and a Big Johnson: The South Will Rise Again t-shirt. The young technician says that he is getting some funny readings from the equipment. The Mad Scientist nods and says he will look into it, and turns back to his computer screen.

Quick cut to the Mad Scientist finishing off a cup of coffee and pouring another from a near-empty coffee pot sitting on his desk. He is alone in the lab. A clock on the wall shows it is past 11. The computer beeps at him. He looks quizzically at it, then stands up and walks away to a glass-caged area that is full of fog. He opens the door and looks inside. A blue-skinned alien shaman sits cross-legged in the middle of the cage. Both share curious looks at each other.

49 days before the invasion

Bank robbery

A pair of robbers hold up a bank and run away with the money in a small paper bag. As they run out, one of them accosts a man standing at the outside ATM. "Give me all your money!" The man at the ATM raises a hand and zaps him unconscious with a lightning bolt. The other robber hears this and turns around. The Magician forms an energy ball between his hands and shoots it at him, knocking him out. He then walks across the parking lot to the unconscious robber, picks up the paper bag, and leaves the scene.

Courtroom

Judge: "Just because you knocked out the robbers does not give you a right to take the money. The money still belongs to the bank."

Magician: "Really?"

Judge: "YES REALLY."

17 days before the invasion

The TV shows a pro wrestler carrying a petite blonde lady over his shoulder as the fans go wild.

Announcer: "Last week Killer Jim kidnapped Miss Cynthia after a disputed call cost him a shot at the championship title!"

Killer Jim: "You only win because you're Lombardi's favourite, and now I have Lombardi's favourite girl! You like having your belt, Vasquez? I'm going to like having Miss Cynthia!"

Vasquez: "Killer Jim, you are out of your league! I beat you fair and square and I will do it again! We will settle this IN THE RING!"

Announcer: "Oh my! You can see the anger between these two! Watch it explode this coming Sunday on Wrestling Entertainment World: Late Afternoon Dynamite!"

The bar

Cut to Killer Jim and Vasquez entering a bar together, smiling and laughing about the great show they did that night and the way the crowd reacted to their moves. They exchange greeting with Lombardi and Miss Cynthia.

Several drinks later, Jim is flirting with the barmaid. She goes away, and he turns to a group of young women standing nearby. "So who is this lovely lady?" he asks as he slaps one of them on the thigh. The woman turns and he sees that it is Miss Cynthia. Jim immediately flinches back.

Killer Jim: "Sorry, I didn't know it was you. Sorry."

Miss Cynthia takes it in good humour. "Keep your act in the ring, Jim." She goes back to talking with her friends.

Jim turns to Vasquez. "I hope Lombardi didn't see that."

Vasquez turns and looks. From across the room, Lombardi gives them an angry ice-cold glare that could peel paint. Vasquez turns back to Jim. "I think he saw that."

Jim: "I'm in trouble, aren't I."

Vasquez: "Yep."

Jim pushes his drink away. "I think I've had more than enough."

Vasquez: "X-Box at my place?"

Jim: "Nah, I think I'll just head home."

Vasquez: "I'll call a cab. [to bar] Can we get our bills here?"

The gym

Jim is working out in a public gym.

On the television in the corner of the room, Keith Olbermann is hosting a sports show on ESPN8. He ends a report on one subject and begins talking about how Wrestling Entertainment World has given a 90-day suspension to Killer Jim after testing positive for steroids. Olbermann goes on to a full-minute rant about how the esteemed sport of pro wrestling has been sullied by Jim's use of steroids and about how Jim is not only playing the heel but being one, and so forth.

By this point Jim has stopped working out and is leaning on the bars and looking dejected.

Another guy working out, an average middle aged man, gives Jim a friendly pat on the shoulder. "Hey. I don't care how many steroids you did. Nobody deserves that."

Jim: "Thanks."

Olbermann finishes reading a list of synonyms for "traitor" out of a thesaurus and goes on to "think of the children", about how Killer Jim shattered their innocent beliefs.

In the gym, a teary-eyed child says "But I thought every pro wrestler used steroids!"

5 Hours before the Invasion

Happy Land

The Russian Premier and his entourage enter the Pirate Ride at Happy Land, an obvious analogue to Disneyland. A secret agent watches, and talks into his phone.

SECRET AGENT: "Poppyseed has entered phase thirteen."

Inside, a team of college-aged men in pirate costumes sing the "You are a Pirate" song from Lazy Town.

Across the waterway stands Nick, wearing a pirate costume (including an eyepatch), reviewing personnel files of the singers on his smart phone. The files show their college major, GPA, political affiliations, work history, and so forth.

NICK: "Team, report. Is the ride sealed?"

VOICE 1: "North exit #1 is sealed. I can see #2 from here."

VOICE 2: "I'm at the ride exit."

VOICE 3: "South side's good."

NICK: "All persons inside the ride are identified and unlikely to be hostile. "

VOICE 4: "Nick, you are free to proceed to the next phase. You have three minutes to get into position."

NICK: "Will do."

The Premier's boat enters this area of the ride. He listens to the pirate song and turns to one of his aides.

PRESHNIKOV: "Remind me when we get back. I want to have the security bureau perform a psychological analysis of the captains of what the Americans call their anti-piracy task force off the horn of Africa."

Nick walks into an employee's corridor and into a room where there is a duffel bag sitting on a table. He opens the duffel bag and pulls out pieces of the bunny suit costume. He removes his pirate hat and vest and starts putting on the suit that he will be wearing for the next part of the operation. He finally puts on the head. He laughs to himself.

NICK: "I do not want to look into a mirror."

Nick leaves the ride by an employee's door. Another Secret Service agent is standing there.

NICK: [half-sarcastically] "Hey kids, are we ready to have some fun?"

AGENT: [gives a thumbs-up] "You pass."

NICK: "Thanks." Nick starts walking away.

AGENT: "Wait."

NICK: What?

AGENT: "Turn towards me."

NICK: "What is it?"

AGENT: "Eyepatch."

NICK: "Oh, I..." [he raises his hands to his suit's bunny head, then drops them.] "It's too late to deal with it now." He starts walking away.

AGENT: "Wait."

Nick stops. The agent adjusts the suit where the head meets the body.

AGENT: "Laundry tag."

NICK: "Thanks. I'm heading into position."

Nick walks away. The agent speaks into his phone.

AGENT: "Team leader is moving into position for phase fourteen. I'm moving into mine."

Premier Preshnikov and his entourage walk through the park. His two guards share a glance and some body language and one of them points away. The other guard walks away in the direction that the first guard pointed.

RUSSIAN BODYGUARD: "Hello sir. Are you an employee of the park?"

Nick tries to reach for his badge, but the bunny suit is in the way.

NICK: "Actually... -- I can't reach my pocket to show you my badge, but I am with the American security team. We are keeping an eye out for potential threats."

RUSSIAN BODYGUARD: "What potential threats could there be? This is Happy Land, not a war zone."

NICK: "There might be crazy people. There are thirty thousand people in this park at any given time of the day and one of them might do something stupid."

The bodyguard walks back and reports to the other guard.

RUSSIAN BODYGUARD: "He says he is American security."

PRESHNIKOV: "Keep an eye on him."

RUSSIAN BODYGUARD: "Yes, sir."

A child runs up to Nick.

CHILD: "Happy Bunny! Happy Bunny!"

Nick plays the part as well as he can, and does a fairly good job.

NICK: "Hi there! Have you tried out the Rocket Coaster?"

CHILD: [glumly] "I heard someone died on the Rocket Coaster."

NICK: "Oh. Well, how about the Pirate Voyage?"

CHILD: "I already went on the Pirate Voyage."

NICK: "Well... you could go on it again!"

The child's eyes gleam with the realization.

CHILD: "Mommy, Mommy! I wanna go on the Pirate Voyage again!"

Meanwhile, Hyper-American wanders the park wearing a small backpack and a faded well-worn t-shirt with an American flag and the text "America: Love It Or Die".

Nick sees him and talks into the microphone inside his suit.

NICK: "I think I see a potential."

VOICE: "Stay on him."

[Nick is interrupted]

A second voice breaks onto the line.

NEW VOICE: "Message for Nick. High priority."

NICK: "This is Nick." {TODO: use a surname instead.}

NEW VOICE: "Nick, we need to get a team to Fresno as soon as possible. You are the closest, so we're pulling you off of Preshnikov."

NICK: "Now is not a good time."

Hyper-American sees the Russian Premier and is shocked. His jaw drops and his eyes go wide. He immediately puts his backpack on the ground, unzips it, and pulls out a machine gun that is longer than the bag could have possibly held.

HYPER-AMERICAN: "Die you Comm--"

A fluffy hand strikes Hyper-American in the face before he can finish the word. Nick beats him up and disarms him. The crowd is shocked to see Happy Bunny whaling on a guy.

The Russian guards lower their weapons as the other American security officers take Hyper-American into custody.

NICK: [into microphone] "So what's the change in plans?"

NEW VOICE: "Nick, we need you and your team in Fresno in three hours."

NICK: "Not possible. It's a five hour drive. Unless you can send us a helicopter."

NEW VOICE: "We already sent one. It will be arriving in the east parking lot within five minutes."

The helicopter flies overhead.

NICK: "We have a shooter who needs to be secured until the police get here."

NEW VOICE: "Take him with you. You can drop him off at Kern Max on the way."

NICK: "Do we have time for a change of clothes?

NEW VOICE: "I advise against any delay."

NICK: "Whatever the new problem is, I'm really not dressed for the occasion."

NEW VOICE: "The helicopter pilot tells me he's arrived. You need to get moving as soon as possible. We'll coordinate with the local authorities in providing anything you need."

Kern Maximum Security Prison

The helicopter approaches Kern Maximum Security Prison (invented for this story). It hovers above the helicopter landing pad on the roof. They shove out Hyper-American onto the roof where several police are waiting for him. The police professionally help him up and walk him inside. The helicopter has already left.

88 minutes before the invasion

Outskirts of Bakersfield

Boss Man, resembling Boss Hogg, is flanked by his Lieutenant and the Mad Scientist. He gives a rousing speech to a line of armed Ku Klux Klan members.

"Today we will show the strength and necessity of the Confederacy Restoration Army. We are CRA! We are CRA! And we are not going away!"

Two cars drive up, a county sheriff's car and a rental car. Nick and two Secret Service agents are in the rental car. Nick is still wearing the Happy Bunny costume. He says "You know what? I think this will work." Nick and the two Secret Service agents step out of the car and walk forward.

Nick notices that one of the Ku Klux Klansmen is black. He says "Really?" The black Klansman says "it's about states' rights." Nick shakes his head and keeps walking.

Boss Man: "Okay, what is this?"

Nick: "Sorry, Washington says you gotta call off the march."

Boss Man: "Nick?" He recognizes the agent. They have had conversations like this before. "You can't do that. It's against the law." Behind him, the Mad Scientist and Lieutenant share a worried look at each other.

Nick: "For once I agree with you, but this was not my call. They say there was a threat against a relative of the President from one of your followers, and they want us to take custody of your firearms which I will leave in the hands of the Sheriff here.

Lieutenant: "You can't let them take our guns!"

Boss Man: "Sure we can. Sheriff's a good friend of mine."

Lieutenant: "But.. we were going to have the armed march today!"

Boss Man: "We can hold the march next month after we sue the pants off the government and make a truckload of money. Right now, we send out a press release to let everybody know that the government is forcing us to cancel for no good reason. They are not even following their own laws. We will get tons of sympathy and the next march will be bigger and more successful than this one was going to be. What happened here today is going to be the biggest news event in the papers tomorrow."

The Lieutenant grabs the Mad Scientist by the arm and walks away.

The Lieutenant: "You've got to stop it!"

Mad Scientist: "I can't stop it! The portal is already set up!"

45 seconds before the invasion

In the misty alien world, the warlord gloats over his imminent victory.

"Their spy has said they are a weak-willed community of farmers. Even the name of their village is weak. They call it Bakers Field. We have the most powerful army ever assembled: FIVE HUNDRED MEN with arbalests and cannon! FOUR dragons to fill the sky with terror! And the greatest military commanders of all time, and the bravest warriors! We will conquer this Bakers Field and add it to our empire!"

The aliens march out of the portal onto the field of an empty football stadium. "A very strange geological formation." "Is this the Baker's Field? These plants are too small to be crops." "Perhaps they have already harvested." They find their way out of the stadium and are astonished at how alien Bakersfield looks to them.


The League of Super Heroes is busy holding their annual superhero convention.

The Super-Human Interdiction Tactical Squad cannot get their airship's engine to turn over.

Washington calls Nick and tells him to find any superheroes in the area to deal with the threat. An agent takes the helicopter back to Kern Prison to pull out the Magician, and takes along Hyper-American after he yells that he was only defending his country. Boss Man was there when Nick got the call and he offers the use of his resources. (Hyper-American attacks Boss Man on sight and they have to pull him off.) Killer Jim finds them during the fighting. They also get a purple-belt martial artist named Jiro who was a medic in the Army. Nick's two Secret Service agents are competent enough to keep them all alive.

Nick finally finds the time to get out of the Happy Bunny suit. No one recognizes him, so he puts the suit back on to talk to these idiots.

The aliens get their asses kicked by the gangbangers and Girl Scouts and anyone who picks up a baseball bat.

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