[personal profile] tangaroa

I had a parody idea this morning that would fit into my Smash fanfic so I pounded it out. This would fit into Season 2, recruitment phase, episode 3 or 4.

Scene: A suburban household

An average modern suburban house is full of rowdy girls playing around and one woman trying to control them all, with a baby in one arm and a phone in her other hand, as she is on the phone to somebody about placing orphans in foster care or public school.

She is repeatedly interrupted. To the girl cooking in the kitchen, "careful with the eggs!" as they roll toward the edge of the counter. To the girls chasing each other in the hallway, "Slow down in the hallway!" The doorbell rings. "Could somebody get that?"

One of the girls opens the door. Outside stands a 12-year-old boy with a serious expression on his face, slicked blond hair tied back in a ponytail, wearing sunglasses and an oversized trench coat that spills onto the ground around his feet.

The boy speaks in an odd accent that is like French and Scottish smashed together. "Hello. I am looking for the orphanage."

The girl calls over one of the teenagers, "Hey {$NAME}, I think your new boyfriend is here."

The teenager rushes over. "He's here?" She looks. "That's not him."

The boy questions her. "Would you be the lady of the house?"

"Umm..." both girls hesitate before calling over their foster mother. "Mom!"

She walks over. "Hello, may I help you?"

The boy: "I seek room and board for a fortnight."

Mom: "Ah, we are an orphanage-"

The boy: "I am an orphan. My parents died" - (dramatic pause) - "a long time ago."

Mom: "I am so sorry. The orphanage is all girls right now, but we _could_ make room for you."

The boy: "That is acceptable."

Mom: "What is your name?"

The boy: "I am Abraham MacLeod, of the clan MacLeod."

Mom: "It's nice to meet you, Abraham. Come on in and introduce yourself."

As the boy steps up to the doorway, we see the tip of a scabbard hidden under his coat.

Scene: Horace's ship

In Horace's ship, Horace and Mick use the computer to browse through files of potential recruits. Horace brings up Abraham's file.

Horace: "The immortal child."

Mick: "He could work. But, we already have a swordsman."

Horace: "That is the sunken cost fallacy. If the boy is better than Eric, then we should keep the boy. We cannot know if that is the case until we test them. Having them compete against each other will improve them both, and we might find spots for both of them in the tournament."

Mick: "We could go for a sword and sorcery theme this year. We can sell that."

Horace: "There is a danger rating at the optimal retrieval point."

Mick: "That's what my power armor is for."

Horace: "I will summon the fighters."

Mick: "Do you think Eric is ready to go on missions? He's new to this."

Horace: "Then he needs the experience."

Scene: City Park


Two boys swing on the swings in a city park: a taller boy wearing a button-down shirt, and a shorter red-haired boy in a striped shirt. The taller boy speaks in an English accent. "So, do you have any idea of what we're going to do today?"

The red-haired boy shakes his head and responds in an American accent. "Nope! Not a clue! I don't have the slightest notion-"

They are interrupted by Horace's ship landing in the center of the park.

Both boys: "WHOA!"


Exiting the ship are the main character team at this point:

  • Horace, the new captain introduced in S2ep1
  • Mick, wearing his power armor.
  • Ceilidh the mage
  • Eric the swordsman, recruited in S2ep2 or 3

Ceilidh announces that there is magic on this world, but it is weak. Eric snaps his fingers to create a small puff of fire, and says "I see what you mean."

Horace tells Mick to stay behind to guard the ship. "The local authorities may not be happy that we are are parked here."

Ceilidh: "But is it not called a park?"

Mick: "She got you beat on that one."

Horace: "Regardless, you will guard the ship."

After handing out directions, Horace leads Ceilidh and Eric off on the mission.

Scene: Suburban house

Inside the house, Abraham MacLeod sits stoicly at a table while girls put flowers in his hair and attach stickers to his trenchcoat. Suddenly there is a _whoom_ sound that only Abraham hears. He turns his head to the interruption, hoping that it is not what he fears it is. He tells the girls "hide." The girls barely hear him. He yells. "Hide!" Abraham stands and draws his wakizashi. The girls run.

Scene: Suburban street

View from across the street

A motorcycle gang rides up to the orphanage.

Across the street from the orphanage, two men look on and record the events from behind a picket fence. The younger of the two loads his uzi. The older gray-haired man puts his hand on his younger companion's arm, revealing the secret society tattoo on their wrists:

▲ ▲

Older man: "We watch and observe. We do not interfere."

Younger man: "Then why do we carry guns?"

Older man: "In case they try to interfere with us."

Motorcycle gang close-up

Their leader of the motorcycle gang is the Scythian, a beefy muscular guy with a shark-tooth necklace, a leather skirt, and a huge broadsword strapped to his back. He addresses his troops. "The boy is here! I can feel it! Shoot him full of holes, and I will finish him off!" He draws his broadsword.

A block away

Horace considers how to best approach the situation. "Eric, stay back. They have guns. Guns are like arrows but they kill you deader and faster. You cannot dodge them and your armor will not stop them."

Eric: "Then what should I do?"

Horace: "Stay out of their sight. Ceilidh, you might be our best option. Can you cast an area-affect spell?"

Ceilidh: "Not from here. I need to be closer."

Horace looks back and sees the gang members kick in the door of the orphanage. "Come with me. We have a target to save."

Scene: Inside the house

Half of the gangbangers rush into the house and start shooting in all directions, except for the one that slides on the rug that has been greased with cooking oil, the one that gets knocked out by a flying paint can on a string, etc. Soon they have all been knocked out by Home Alone pranks that Abraham set up for them.

Scene: Fight on the street

The Scythian hears Horace and Ceilidh running towards him. He turns to warn them off. "You are not like us. Stay out of this if you value your life."

Horace turns to Ceilidh and says "get ready." He then stands straight and attempts to negotiate. "We are both here for similar reasons. I want the boy."

The Scythian motions to his gang members. "Take them out."

The gangbangers raise their guns. Horace raises his left arm and zaps one with a blast from the alien gemstone in his mechanical forearm. Ceilidh stuns the rest with a lightning storm.


Behind the picket fence, one of the Watchers shouts in surprise. "They have a witch! Witches have been extinct for eight hundred years!"

Return to the fight

The Scythian walks towards Horace and Ceilidh as Horace hits him with multiple blasts. Horace says "I don't think this man is human."

Ceilidh casts a fireball at him. He walks out of the fire grinning with singed skin.

"What glorious pain! Hahahaha!" The Scythian raises his sword at her. "I have not fought a witch in eight hundred years. This is going to be fun."

Eric rushes in and swings his sword at the Scythian. The Scythian easily blocks and counters. Eric barely ducks under a swing that would have beheaded him. Eric goes on the defensive and tries to back off. "He is good! He is very good!"

Horace: "Can you hold him off while I go get the boy?"

Eric: "I might not last that long."

The Scythian yells as a lightning strike from Ceilidh disrupts his nervous system. He still manages to block Eric's swing and kick him away. He takes a step toward Ceilidh. She tries to block his sword with her staff but he quickly stabs her in the gut. Horace attempts to tackle the Scythian. The Scythian barely moves, pushes him off, and slashes a gash across his torso.

Gunshots shout out as the younger Watcher empties his Uzi into the Scythian. The Scythian grins, turns, and takes off the Watcher's head with one swing. The elder Watcher runs away, saying "this is why we don't interfere!"

Quickly taking stock of the situation, Eric kneels before the Scythian. "You have defeated my captain. I have no quarrel with you."

The Scythian laughs. "You need to get much better before you can take on one of us. Try practicing your swordfighting for five thousand years." He turns and walks toward the house.

Eric heads over to Horace. Horace waves him off. "Heal Ceilidh! She is hurt worse than I am." Eric runs to her.

The showdown begins

Inside the house

The Scythian walks inside the house. Abraham is there to meet him.

Scythian: "There you are, boy."

Abraham: "Scythian."

Scythian: "It is just the two of us now."

Abraham: "In the end, there can be only one."

Outside the house

Eric is casting his healing magic on Horace.

Ceilidh is standing and leaning on her staff for support. "I still hurt."

Eric: "You are not dying."

Ceilidh: "Yes. That is... I am grateful."

Eric: "You are welcome."

Horace: "Thank you, Eric. Can you take another look at Ceilidh?"

Eric: "Yes, sir."

Horace sits up. "That was unpleasant. I am wondering if we should abandon the mission."

Eric: "I believe if we attack him again, he will kill us."

Horace: "Probably."

Ceilidh: "He is powerful. Why are we not recruiting him instead of the boy?"

Horace: "He is evil. And if we wait on the decision for much longer, the boy will not be an option."

Ceilidh: "We need Mick's armor."

Horace: "I will call him." Horace lifts up a communications device, looks at it, and sets it down. "He is already on his way. I don't know if he will get here on time."

Ceilidh: "Are we going to fight that monster again?"

Horace thinks about it. "With our technology, yes." He stands tall and extends a fist. "Courage! We can do this."

Eric matches the motion. "Courage."

Ceilidh hesitantly joins in. "Yes. Courage."

The final battle

Inside the house

The Scythian cleaves couches and tables with great swings of his sword. Abraham can barely get out of the way and cannot get close enough to attack without being kicked back.

Horace walks through the entryway, powers up a shot, and blasts the Scythian in the side. The Scythian turns to see the opponents that he mistakenly let live before.

Horace confidently tells him "the boy is ours." The Scythian turns his attention back to the boy, the greatest of the four threats. Horace announces, so Abraham can hear, "you only need to wait him out. Help is on the way." Abraham does not believe them and continues to try to win the fight, but lacks the power to do so. They quickly settle into a routine where Abraham and Eric take turns occupying the Scythian's attention while Horace and Ceilidh attack him from range.

Help arrives

The power-armored Mick stumbles in the front door, wheezing and barely standing. "I got here as fast as I could as soon as I heard the gunshots." He stumbles up to the Scythian, bent forward with his hands on his legs for support, and raises a finger. "Hey, you. Big guy. Knock it off." The Scythian's sword bounces off him. Mick coughs because he is too winded to laugh. "That's not gonna work." The Scythian kicks him over. Mick lies on his back. "You mind if I lie here and catch my breath for a minute?"

Ceilidh runs to Mick and retrieves the lightsaber-knife from his belt. The prone Mick says "yeah, you can borrow that, no need to ask." Ceilidh turns it on and approaches the Scythian. The Scythian, not recognizing the weapon but recognizing it as a weapon, assumes a defensive posture as Ceilidh slashes at him. The weapon slices through the Scythian's blade and an inch of his chest. The Scythian lunges out and slashes into Ceilidh's neck with the stubby remainder of his weapon, sending her tumbling.

Horace yells "Healer!" at Eric, who jumps over debris to get to her.

A fairer fight

Abraham attacks the Scythian and has a much easier time of it, but the Scythian still fights him off with superior skill and power. Horace breaks a wooden chair over the Scythian's head, to no effect.

A stolen sword

The Scythian kicks Abraham across the room, picks up Eric's sword, and turns back to Abraham.

With Ceilidh's condition stabilized, Eric stands up to confront the Scythian. "Stop. That is my sword."

The Scythian smiles. "And now you have no sword. What are you going to do?"

Eric raises his hands. A ball of flame engulfs the Scythian's head. The Scythian walks toward Eric, head ablaze, tauntingly swinging Eric's own sword toward him. "What are you going to do?"

The teenaged girl from the beginning of the episode slams the Scythian in the side of the head with a frying pan. She hits him again. The Scythian grabs her with his free hand and turns to see what this annoyance is. The fire from Eric's spell goes out, revealing the Scythian's charred face. The Scythian draws back Eric's sword to stab her, but a metal glove grabs his wrist.

Mick: "Hey. That's his sword."

Abraham leaps toward the Scythian. Looking though a doorway, the older girls cover the eyes of the younger girls as Abraham takes his head off with one strike.


Abraham announces "everyone needs to leave the house! When his power is released, it will destroy everything in here!" Lightning bolts begin to flash from the Scythian's body.

The girls run out from their hiding spot. Seeing them, Horace yells "Women and children first!" and stands out of their way.

Eric lifts Ceilidh to her feet and helps her out.

With the others out, Horace says "Mick, let's go."

Mick says "I wanna see this. My armor can probably take it."

Horace: "What about your sensors? We want to be able to track him if he escapes.

Mick: "Oh, alright. Darn it."

Scene: Outside

The heroes walk out into a line of police cars.

Police: "Stop and put your hands in the air!"

Horace: "Do as they say."

They raise their hands as lightning and blue flames burst out of the windows of the house behind them.

Horace glances to the side. "Mick."

Mick turns his hands around and raises the rest of his fingers. "I was technically following their directions."

Horace's interview

The policemen interview the group while firemen try to fight the house fire.

Police: "What is your name and occupation?"

Horace: "My name is Horace Sampson, and I captain the Farseeker, the ship that brought my crew to your world."

Ceilidh's interview

Police: "What is your name and occupation?"

Ceilidh: "My name is Ceilidh Minh Bustamante, and I am employed as a wizard for hire.

Eric's interview

Police: "What is your name and occupation?"

Eric: "My name is Eric, and I am a mercenary."

Police: "Do you have a last name, Eric?"

Eric: "No."

Mick's interview

Police: "What is your name and occupation?"

Mick: "What are your procedures for dealing with a guy in power armor?"

Police: "Are you a robot?"

Mick: "AM-I-A-RO-BOT? Hahahaha! Hahahaha!"

End of the interviews

Mick: "You know what? We're gonna take the kid and go home. Where is he, anyway?"

Horace: "You were supposed to keep an eye on him."

Mick: "Well, I got distracted. This was fun."

Fireman: "There's someone alive in here!"

Abraham walks through the front door, completely unharmed.

Ceilidh: "How did your clothing survive the fire?"

Abraham points his thumb back over his shoulder. "There is a backyard."


Mick: "Found him. Okay, let's go. You're coming with us."

Abraham never agreed to anything. "Who are you?"

Mick: "We're the guys who just saved your life. A little gratitude would be nice."

Horace: "Let me explain. We are looking for capable fighters to join a tournament. You can fight for entertainment, for fun. Nobody gets hurt and you will not have to worry about anyone like that guy coming around trying to kill you. And if you do not like it, we can take you back."

Abraham glances back at the burned-out house. "I do need a place to stay."

Mick: "Room and board is free."

Abraham: "Nothing is free. What is the cost?"

Horace: "You have to qualify. The tournament has its rules about who is allowed to compete, and you will be competing against others for a limited number of positions."

Abraham: "And?"

Mick: "And if you make it, we get most of the money. You get paid too, proportionally, a few percentage points. It doesn't look like much on the contract but you don't have a ship and a business to maintain, and that gets expensive. Trust me, I've had to deal with that."

Abraham: "And you said you would pay for my living expenses?"

Horace: "Yes."

Abraham: "I see no downside to this, but I will hold you to your word."

The group of them walk off.

Dealing with the media

Two policemen stand around the fire trucks trying to process the events when a news reporter runs up to them.

Reporter: "Hey hey hey! What happened here? I'm Alan Jones from InfoWeirdz, and I heard there was a spaceship landing in a park and all sorts of weird stuff going on here!"

The policemen look at each other with exhaustion. One of them speaks.

Policeman: "There was a gang fight and a fire. The orphanage burned down. That's about it."


Now what do I do with this character since the team's slots are already filled out and I can't think of anything to do with him?

  1. Kill the story. Naw, I liked this.
  2. Cut him and send him home. He simply doesn't make the cut. It's difficult to believe since he is a better swordsman than Eric, but Eric would gain a lot of experience fighting him.
  3. Horace cuts him because Eric has gotten much better and can cast healing magic which is very useful on missions. Then Mick trades him to another team to pay off part of his debt. It's the sort of thing that Mick would do.

So he gets shipped off to another team and reappears for fights as a minor character. Abraham would be one of the best at rapid close combat but vulnerable to ranged attacks. He is good enough to make the finals but would have a hard time when other fighters figure out how to beat him by outrunning him and using ranged attacks.

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