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tangaroaIntroducing the characters:
- Swill Perverse - The target of a huge conspiracy that controls the entire world but he's so paranoid he makes it out to be more than it really is.
- Keel Tangram - Swill's secretive boss who is playing every side.
- Grunt - The snobby team member.
- Smiles - The geeky team member.
- Tonka - The dopey team member.
- The other characters -- I couldn't come up with the funny for them so they're cut out of this parody. It's just that simple. No, actually, it's a conspiracy.
- Dive Haggis - Swill's previous boss, who departs in the first act like this:
Swill: "Look at this crossword puzzle. If you take the first letters of the words in the first column and last column going down and you replace the E in Exec (54 down, short for CEO) with an 'X' since the word starts with an E X and people tend to abbreviate that type of word that way, it spells out 'BUUT SSEX'."
Haggis: "Did you tell anyone else about this? Anyone at all?"
Swill: "No..."
Haggis: "That's really funny. I'm going to go tell Keel about it."
Haggis walks out the door and a commuter train falls on him. Yes, in the middle of an office building.
Team meeting
Swill: "I've been promoted into Haggis's position, so I'll be giving the team briefings. Our first order of business is to find out what information we've been able to gather on the terrorist mastermind Ahmed Abooboo. Grunt?"
Grunt: "Abooboo might be on the other side of the world but he will know that I, Grunt, disapprove of his actions, and that will stop him. I am that great."
Swill: "All right. Smiles?"
Smiles: "I didn't find anything about Ahmed Abooboo yesterday, but my virtual farm on Farmville produced a full virtual crop of virtual rasperries so I have 500 virtual jars of virtual raspberry jam if anyone is interested in virtual jam."
Swill: "Okay. Tonka, did you get anything done yesterday?"
Tonka: "Oh, wow. I did five lines of coke, eight shots of tequila, smoked a pound of jimson weed, sniffed some roofing glue, licked a poison tree frog, and I put together this summary of Ahmed Abooboo's financial support network." (she dumps a binder on the table)
Swill: ... (looks through the binder) ... "I want everybody to have some of what she's on."
Swill meets Keel on the rooftop.
Keel: "If you want my advice, don't get involved. But since you will anyway, look for the patterns."
Swill: "Patterns? Patterns... I know a pattern! Sometimes when I go to the bank and get $20 bills, the numbers on the bills are in a sequence."
Keel: "Really? Do you have any of these bills on you?"
Swill: "Yes, I have one right here."
(Swill hands Keel a $20 bill. Keel looks it over.)
Keel: "Hmm... You might be on to something. Do you have another one from the same bank?"
(Keel pockets the $20 bill as Swill hands him a second one.)
Keel: "Yeah... There might be something here. I'll have to take a closer look at this later." (He pockets the second one)
Swill: "Do you think the bank is part of the conspiracy?"
Keel: "It's certainly a possibility. I would need to look at more samples of $20 bills over a greater period of time to know for sure."
Swill: "But I really want to know how big this conspiracy is!"
Keel: "Hmm... listen, are you working late tonight?"
Swill: "Yeah."
Keel: "And you won't be back at your apartment until, say, 7 at the earliest?"
Swill: "Something like that."
Keel: "Alright. If you find bugs in your apartment when you get home tonight then there's definitely a conspiracy and you should keep coming back to me with more potential evidence of the bank's involvement. Now what was your address again? 523..." (he pulls out a notepad and pencil)
Swill's apartment
Swill walks into his apartment. Cameras and microphones are all over the place, sticking out the sides of the screen. He focuses on the thermostat. The camera focuses on him from the thermostat's perspective. He starts sweating and cautiously lifting his hands to the thermostat... then he changes the thermostat from 68 to 65 and calmly walks away.
Team meeting #2.
Swill: "Good morning. I hope that's just powdered sugar on the doughnuts."
Tonka: (snorting doughnut powder) "It's something like that."
Swill: "Alright. I sent Tonka's draft report on Ahmed Abooboo to Washington and they they loved it, especially that part where Abooboo escaped from Afghanistan on the back of a flying pink unicorn. The CIA has been waiting six years to find a second source on that. Good job. So that's yesterday's news on Ahmed Abooboo. What do we know today? Grunt?"
Grunt: "I found out some stuff about him, but I'm not going to tell you."
Swill: "Smiles?"
Smiles: "I can acknolwedge that your lips appeared to move and some sound emanated but the rate of immersion of caffeine into my bloodstream has been insufficient for my brain to have the power to process the sound into words at this moment. I might be able to provide you an answer in about two hundred and forty-five seconds."
Swill: "Okay. Tonka? Tonka?"
(Tonka is face-down on the desk. Swill lifts a binder and drops it next to her head, finding no response.)
Swill: "Okay. Once she's conscious again, I want us to put together a new comprehensive report combining everything that we have so far on Ahmed Abooboo. Grunt, I'm putting you in charge of this."
Grunt: (infantile) "Me? Why do I hafta do it?"
Swill: "It's that seniority you keep bragging about. Alright, we all know what we need to do. Let's get it done. You know where my office is if you need me." (leaves)
Grunt: (infantile) "But I don't wanna!"
Grunt's office. Grunt stares down his word processor.
Grunt: "All right, report. I'm better than you. Write yourself."
The keys on the keyboard press themselves while Grunt stands with his arms crossed and chin out.
The rooftop, again. Keel is examining another $20 bill while Swill watches.
Keel: "The last four digits of this one are zero four two zero."
Swill: "OH MY GOD TONKA'S IN THE CONSPIRACY!"
Keel: (pockets the $20) "Maybe you should keep an eye on her."
Swill: "And it's not just the bank. It's bigger." (He pulls out a page from a newspaper.) I saw this newspaper article about an airplane crash in Algeria. And when I fold the paper like this, it makes an airplane! The plane crash is part of the conspiracy! But that's not all. You told me I'd find bugs in my apartment, and you were right! Look at this!" (He opens a shoebox that has holes punched in the lid.)
Keel: "Where the fuck did you find a Madagascar hissing cockroach in your apartment?"
Swill: "Yes, it's from Madagascar! Algeria and Madagascar were both French colonies, and there's another link to Madagascar. I went to the GAS station to put GAS in my CAR, and while I was there I looked in the magazine racks and they were selling this magazine, MAD MAGAZINE! I GAS CAR, MAD! Madagascar! And if I fold the back cover like this, there is a secret message! This magazine is definitely part of the conspiracy!"
Keel: "I think you've found something important there." (He turns to the camera.) "If you want to know more, you should read Mad Magazine."
Swill: (to the camera) "Yes! I'm definitely going to read Mad Magazine!"
Swill walks past the exotic pet store (with a window poster advertising Madagascar hissing cockroaches) to his apartment next door, unlocks the door, and walks inside.
Swill is sitting on the floor of his apartment with about thirty Mad Magazines spread out in a half circle in front of him. He hears a thump and turns to look...
Swill: "Oh no! It's that mysterious interruption at the end of the episode that will turn out to be something completely innocuous in the beginning of next week's episode!"
Outside, a UPS guy walks away from the porch after leaving a package.
UPS Guy: "Actually, I'm part of the conspiracy."
