Quick movie reviews
Feb. 11th, 2012 06:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tangaroaWelcome to "Drat. The movies." We have a large number of films to review tonight, so let's go straight to our first clip.
Commentary: 500 Days of Summer and Winter's Bone is a much-needed social commentary on the disparities between the experiences of the middle and lower classes in America. It has been nominated for numerous awards for its top-quality visuals and direction, but it is not a fun movie to watch. Maybe that's the point, but it is still not a fun movie to watch. I say "Rent it".
Commentary: In the film Monsters versus Illegal Aliens, the US government has deployed scary-looking monsters in an attempt to stop the flow of immigration from Mexico. It is a ludicrous plot made worse by a badly written script and outrageously racist caricatures of Mexicans who the film depicts as the only immigrants that exist. "Skip it", skip it, skip it.
Commentary: The King's Spinach tells the true-life tale of King George the Sixth of Britain who overcame a speech impediment who lead his people into the Second World War and learned to eat his vegetables at the same time. It might be a good movie to take your children to except that the MPAA gave it an R rating. I can think of a few words to say to that, starting with "See it".
Commentary: The third movie in the Chronicles of Darnitall series is the Voyage of the Damn Traitor which is the worst of them so far, by far. The plot loses all plausibility early on and there are no likeable characters in this story. I give it a rating of "Impeach It".
Commentary: Another very good movie based on real-life events is The Socialist Network which describes the true origin of Facebook as a Communist plot to destroy freedom. This movie deserves its Academy Award nomination, with very good performances by... hold on.
(The reviewer takes a note from off-camera and reads it)
Commentary: The movie The Socialist Network is right-wing propaganda produced by the Zionists of Hollywood to slander the progressive movement. There is no truth to the right-wing lies that Facebook collects customer data. These lies manufactured by the right-wing are patently false. Whoever would see this right-wing movie or promote this work of right-wing propaganda and its lies is a right-wing conservative and will be... oh. So, about The Socialist Network, I have to say, "Skip it".
Commentary: The Girl Who Kicked The New Orleans Hornets' Butts is the uplifting story of the first dual-league MVP to cross over from the Women's NBA into the mainstream National Basketball Association. This is a sports movie in the classic tradition. It's enjoyable even if you're not a fan of basketball, but there are a dozen movies like this for every sport that exists. This is a particularly well-made one. I say, "Rent it".
Commentary: Get Him To The Big Fat Greek Wedding is a comedy of errors about a family that hires an aging, drug-addicted former rock star to perform at their daughter's wedding. The biggest error would be wasting your time and money seeing this movie. There has been an interesting social phenomenon about this movie where word of mouth has slowly gotten out over several weeks about how badly this movie stinks. They're right. "Skip it".
Commentary: Wallace and Gromit and the Curse of World Wrestling Entertainment is a delightful mixture of English and American popular culture. The violence and aggressive behaviour in the movie might not be appropriate for the youngest audiences, but most children should be fine if you tell them that claymation is not real. I say, "See it", and bring the kids.
Commentary: Grunge Strong tells the story of an aging grunge singer who is being upstaged by a younger and suddenly more popular grunge singer, neither of whom have any songs that anyone outside of Seattle might be interested in listening to. It is a by-the-numbers story of conflict and resolution that fails to stand out from the dozens of other movies like it. Fans of the genre may want to rent it but for everyone else, I say "Skip it" and wait for the next big trend.
Commentary: (to offscreen) The next big trend is gangsta rap? That can't be right.
Commentary: In The Legend of the Owls of Gahoogle, we see how common information security practices are so relaxed that an owl can break into the average person's email account. Yeah, really. This is a movie that relates directly to the experiences we all face in the new digital age. I say, "Warez it".
Commentary: The Real Kings of X-Comedy combines comedy and action with an intricately detailed storyline about space aliens infiltrating comedy clubs in an attempt to conquer the Earth. The result is easily one of the most memorable movies of the past 20 years. I highly recommend that you, "See it".
Commentary: The Deported tells the story of a Boston mob attempting to infiltrate a police force that is itself attempting to infiltrate that mob, and then everyone involved suddenly gets kicked out of the country near the end of the movie. This disruptive plot twist fundamentally changes what had been a good movie to that point, making it difficult to recover the viewer's sense of immersion into the story. I say, "Rent it".
That's all the time we have for "Drat. The movies." this week. Join us next week when one of The Asylum's pictures earns the rare rating of "take the DVD to the gun range, it already has a hole in it." For tonight, I'mtangaroa, and the balcony is closed.
The male lead and his girlfriend are enjoying a date in the park.
Man: "I love you, Summer."
Woman: "Whatever."
Man: "Oh, look, a squirrel."
Woman: "How cute."
A gunshot rings out, and the squirrel lies dead in the grass. Enter a rifle-toting teenage girl in faded cold-weather clothes who cuts open and guts the squirrel right in front of them, explaining that her little sister gets to eat dinner tonight.
Commentary: 500 Days of Summer and Winter's Bone is a much-needed social commentary on the disparities between the experiences of the middle and lower classes in America. It has been nominated for numerous awards for its top-quality visuals and direction, but it is not a fun movie to watch. Maybe that's the point, but it is still not a fun movie to watch. I say "Rent it".
An extremely stereotypical Mexican family, wearing the style of clothes that Mexicans have not worn in a hundred years, crawls through a hole in a chain-link fence in the desert while the music from Speedy Gonzales plays in the background.
Suddenly they walk into the shadow of a 30 ft tall orange furball.
Monster: (bored) "Rawr, rawr. I'm a giant monster."
Father: "Holy frijoles, it's a giant monster. Everybody back to Mexico!"
Commentary: In the film Monsters versus Illegal Aliens, the US government has deployed scary-looking monsters in an attempt to stop the flow of immigration from Mexico. It is a ludicrous plot made worse by a badly written script and outrageously racist caricatures of Mexicans who the film depicts as the only immigrants that exist. "Skip it", skip it, skip it.
King George pokes a fork at the green material on his plate.
George: "I am not fond of this vegetable."
His speech advisor urges him to try some.
Advisor: "It's quite good with the parmesan."
George: "It smells like a sewer."
The advisor picks some up a forkful and waves it around.
Advisor: "Look at the airplane! Bzz bzz bzz..."
George: "That is entirely inappr-"
The advisor shoves the fork in King George's mouth. Cue the Popeye music as he begins chewing, slams his fist down on the edge of the plate to launch the rest of the spinach into the air, gulps it down, his muscles bulge, and he grabs his advisor's pipe and toots it. Then he runs out to the balcony and gives an inspiring speech to the people of Britain.
Commentary: The King's Spinach tells the true-life tale of King George the Sixth of Britain who overcame a speech impediment who lead his people into the Second World War and learned to eat his vegetables at the same time. It might be a good movie to take your children to except that the MPAA gave it an R rating. I can think of a few words to say to that, starting with "See it".
Child: "Look, it's a ship! Let's go on a voyage!"
The kids climb onto a ship and look through a window into one of the rooms where an arms deal is being made between a US Army officer and a bearded mullah.
Officer: "Here, take these weapons and use them to kill Americans."
Ayatollah: "And you take this money and use it to finance terrorism."
Officer: "I sure will. And be sure to watch my show on Fox News!"
The kids slink away from the window.
Commentary: The third movie in the Chronicles of Darnitall series is the Voyage of the Damn Traitor which is the worst of them so far, by far. The plot loses all plausibility early on and there are no likeable characters in this story. I give it a rating of "Impeach It".
The USSR national anthem plays in the background as Mark Zuckerberg, wearing a star-pinned beret and a Che Guevara shirt, reports to the Politburo in an awful fake Russian accent.
"The ten year plan is working, Comrades. The capitalists give us all of their personal information, and when the signal comes we can round them up and deport them to the re-education camps. Then our glorious doctrine shall rule the world! Ha ha ha ha ha!"
Commentary: Another very good movie based on real-life events is The Socialist Network which describes the true origin of Facebook as a Communist plot to destroy freedom. This movie deserves its Academy Award nomination, with very good performances by... hold on.
(The reviewer takes a note from off-camera and reads it)
Commentary: The movie The Socialist Network is right-wing propaganda produced by the Zionists of Hollywood to slander the progressive movement. There is no truth to the right-wing lies that Facebook collects customer data. These lies manufactured by the right-wing are patently false. Whoever would see this right-wing movie or promote this work of right-wing propaganda and its lies is a right-wing conservative and will be... oh. So, about The Socialist Network, I have to say, "Skip it".
The score is 57-1 as the Memphis Grizzlies coach screams at his players on the bench.
"That was the worst basketball I've ever seen! A little girl could play better than you! In fact, she's right here."
Enter Noomi Rapace with spiked hair and bullet necklace. She confidently takes the ball and goes Harlem Globetrotters on the other team before sinking a 3-pointer at the buzzer to win the game.
Commentary: The Girl Who Kicked The New Orleans Hornets' Butts is the uplifting story of the first dual-league MVP to cross over from the Women's NBA into the mainstream National Basketball Association. This is a sports movie in the classic tradition. It's enjoyable even if you're not a fan of basketball, but there are a dozen movies like this for every sport that exists. This is a particularly well-made one. I say, "Rent it".
There's a wedding party and everyone is happy. Then suddenly a fat guy runs in and barfs over all the food. Turn around and there's a naked guy with long hair saying "hey, I'm a big rock star."
Commentary: Get Him To The Big Fat Greek Wedding is a comedy of errors about a family that hires an aging, drug-addicted former rock star to perform at their daughter's wedding. The biggest error would be wasting your time and money seeing this movie. There has been an interesting social phenomenon about this movie where word of mouth has slowly gotten out over several weeks about how badly this movie stinks. They're right. "Skip it".
Wallace and Gromit are out on the town.
Wallace: "I do love a clear day like this. You can even see the moon during the day. It makes me feel all tingly inside..."
Wallace gets a bit larger.
Wallace: "What's happening to meeeeeee?"
Wallace gets ultra-muscular and bursts out of his clothes.
Wallace: "It's right after tea time, which means it's time to BRING THE PAIN!"
Gromit facepalms.
Commentary: Wallace and Gromit and the Curse of World Wrestling Entertainment is a delightful mixture of English and American popular culture. The violence and aggressive behaviour in the movie might not be appropriate for the youngest audiences, but most children should be fine if you tell them that claymation is not real. I say, "See it", and bring the kids.
Two male guitarists are competing on stage at a music concert. One is a guy in his late 30s with long blond hair and a faded flannel. The other is a guy in his early 20s with long black hair and a more faded flannel.
Black: (incomprehensible mumbling)
Blond: (incomprehensible mumbling)
Black: (INCOMPREHENSIBLE MUMBLING)
Blond: (INCOMPREHENSIBLE MUMBLING)
Commentary: Grunge Strong tells the story of an aging grunge singer who is being upstaged by a younger and suddenly more popular grunge singer, neither of whom have any songs that anyone outside of Seattle might be interested in listening to. It is a by-the-numbers story of conflict and resolution that fails to stand out from the dozens of other movies like it. Fans of the genre may want to rent it but for everyone else, I say "Skip it" and wait for the next big trend.
Commentary: (to offscreen) The next big trend is gangsta rap? That can't be right.
A squad of owls peck at their computers and use an Internet search engine to look up someone's personal information and break into their email account through the password recovery tool.
Commentary: In The Legend of the Owls of Gahoogle, we see how common information security practices are so relaxed that an owl can break into the average person's email account. Yeah, really. This is a movie that relates directly to the experiences we all face in the new digital age. I say, "Warez it".
Chris Rock is on stage at a comedy club.
"Yeah, that was funny. 'cause I'm black. And you know what else is funny? I'm black. And you know what's even funnier than that?"
Chris Rock rips off his face to reveal the head of a stereotypical grey alien.
Alien: "I am an alien from outer space and we are going to conquer your pitiful little planet. Die puny Earth creatures!"
Alien soldiers march onto the stage from behind the curtain and start zapping the screaming audience into dust.
Alien: "First we destroy this comedy club, and then the world!"
A large airplane crashes through the side wall of the club. Its hinged fuselage opens and pierced, dyed, and tattooed Liefeldien horrors of muscular super-soldiers emerge, some with jetpacks rising into the air, some with a chaingun in each hand, and a scowl on every face.
Cut to a wide view to see a few seconds of a GI Joe cartoon-style firefight with blue and red lasers going back and forth.
Commentary: The Real Kings of X-Comedy combines comedy and action with an intricately detailed storyline about space aliens infiltrating comedy clubs in an attempt to conquer the Earth. The result is easily one of the most memorable movies of the past 20 years. I highly recommend that you, "See it".
Inside a warehouse, a wild-eyed, wild-haired Jack Nicholson interrogates his underlings.
Nicholson: "There's a fucking rat in our organization. Are you the fucking rat?"
DiCaprio: "I'm not the fucking rat!"
Nicholson: "You look like a fucking rat."
DiCaprio: "I'm not the fucking rat! Fuck!"
Nicholson turns to Matt Damon.
Nicholson: "Find that fucking rat and fuck that fucking fucker the fuck up."
Damon: "That fucker's fucked, boss."
DiCaprio: "Why the fuck are we fucking swearing so fucking much?"
Nicholson: "Because we're fucking gangsters, you fucking fuck. Fuck!"
All Three: "Fuck." "Fuck!" "Fuck." "Fuck." "Fuck!" (for about 10 seconds)
Well-Armed Police: "Freeze! Immigration Services!"
All Three: "Oh, fuck."
Cut to a shoreline with the Irish flag flying in the breeze. Three distant thumps are heard, and the three fall in from the sky and crash-land on the beach.
DiCaprio: "So what the fuck do we do now?"
Damon: "Let's infiltrate the Irish police force."
DiCaprio: "Hey, he didn't say fuck!"
Nicholson: "Get him!"
Commentary: The Deported tells the story of a Boston mob attempting to infiltrate a police force that is itself attempting to infiltrate that mob, and then everyone involved suddenly gets kicked out of the country near the end of the movie. This disruptive plot twist fundamentally changes what had been a good movie to that point, making it difficult to recover the viewer's sense of immersion into the story. I say, "Rent it".
That's all the time we have for "Drat. The movies." this week. Join us next week when one of The Asylum's pictures earns the rare rating of "take the DVD to the gun range, it already has a hole in it." For tonight, I'm
tangaroa, and the balcony is closed.
