Space Dreck
Mar. 13th, 2012 03:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tangaroaOn the bridge of the Cromulent ship. Captain Porno, nursing a hangover, sits in his recliner with one hand in of a big bag of Doritos. A Loud Crewman reports in, waving his hands and overacting almost every word.
LOUD CREWMAN: "CAPTAIN PORNO!!! The FEDDIERAYSHIN CAPTAIN is ARRIVING on BOARD our SHIP! He's GOING to BE HERE, ANY MINUTE!!!!! oh he's right here."
FEDDIE: "Hey, man, what's up?"
Captain Porno slowly stands up, hikes up his sweatpants, and addresses his guest.
PORNO: "I am Captain Porno of the Cromulent mining vessel 'Fuck You'. Where is Ambassador Schmuck?"
FEDDIE: "Who is Ambassador Schmuck?"
PORNO: "Feddierayshin Ambassador Schmuck. Tell me where he is!"
FEDDIE: "I don't know any Ambassador Schmuck."
PORNO: "... what year is it?"
FEDDIE: "I don't know. We've been in space for so long..."
PORNO: "What is your name?"
FEDDIE: "I don't know, man. I'm so fucking baked right now."
Porno grabs a nearby lamp and beans the Feddie Captain with it.
On board the Feddierayshin ship, crewmen are gathered around a monitor which displays a stick figure representing the Captain's health. The stick figure on the screen collapses into pieces in a pool of blood, and blood squirts out of the edges of the monitor onto the crew.
The crewmen panic and run around screaming. Amid the morass, George Jerk stands up and takes charge.
GEORGE JERK: "As second in command and now Acting Captain of this ship, I will not see the crew panic and run around screaming in every direction. So I am going to close my eyes."
George Jerk closes his eyes for a few seconds, then sighs.
GEORGE JERK: "At least you could panic and run around screaming in an orderly fashion of some sort."
The crewmen form into a line and then scream and panic while running in a circle around the edge of the bridge.
GEORGE JERK: "That's much better."
The camera shakes.
GEORGE JERK: "What the hell was that?"
A crewman checks the monitors.
CREWMAN: "They're shooting at us again!"
The crew panics and runs around screaming in all directions again. The camera shakes again.
GEORGE JERK: "Hey! If you're not going to sit at your stations and do your jobs, why don't you just leave?"
All of the crewmen run out the doors. Cut to a scene of escape pods leaving the ship. Back on the bridge, George Jerk is left alone.
GEORGE JERK: "Ohhhkay. Bridge to Engineering, anybody there? Bridge to Apiary? Bridge to Tech Support? No, they'd be the first ones out."
The ship shakes again.
GEORGE JERK: "How about that chick I knocked up? Is she on board?"
COMPUTER: "That chick you knocked up departed the ship in shuttle 38."
GEORGE JERK: "Oh, what the hay, I might as well talk to her."
George Jerk taps a button.
GEORGE JERK: "Hey, gorgeous, what's up?"
JERK'S WIFE: "I'm giving birth to our baby! Do you want to beam over and watch?"
GEORGE JERK: "Ick."
JERK'S WIFE: "Why don't they just beam the damn thing out of me? This is going to hurt! Anyways, I want you to tell me you'll always be with me and you'll help me raise our baby together."
GEORGE JERK: "uh... yeah... about that..."
The camera shakes again as the ship takes another hit.
GEORGE JERK: "It looks like we're having communication problems!"
Jerk pushes a button to close the comms channel. The camera shakes again.
GEORGE JERK: "Acting Captain's Log. I just found a way out of having to pay child support!"
George Jerk smiles and gives two thumbs up to the camera.
The ship blows up.
Scene: A mop-headed blond 3-year-old kid pedals his Big Wheel tricycle towards the Grand Canyon. Faster and faster he goes, the speedometer passing four and approaching five kilometers per hour. At the last second he dives off the Big Wheel, sliding along the dusty ground, tumbling over the edge of the canyon and gripping the edge with his hands as the Big Wheel falls into the abyss below him. The kid drags himself up back over the canyon edge and onto higher ground.
This is watched by a robot cop with a parking meter for a head. There is a 'ding' as the parking meter's "violation" flag flips up.
ROBOT: "What is your name, Citizen?"
KID: "My name is James Jiberious Jerk!"
The robot bends Jerk over his knee and spanks the tar out of him.
Scene: a Midwestern bar, twenty years later.
Cadet Uwanna sits at the bar. Jerk slides up to her.
JERK: "What's a girl like you doing in a place like this? I could tell you're something special. You and me should be together."
BIG FEDDIE: "Hey, you! What do you think you're doing? We're supposed to be having a fight scene!"
JERK: "Sorry."
Jerk stands up, rips off his shirt, flexes, and jump-kicks the big feddie.
Captain Punk watches the fight.
PUNK: "Hey, you. Have a seat over here."
Jerk walks over and sits down.
PUNK: "You're James Jerk, right? Your father was captain for ten minutes and he saved over 700 lives."
JERK: "700? His ship only had a crew of 120."
PUNK: "Yeah, but they were on their way to blow up a ferry carrying 600 orphans. There was a mix-up in the war strategy department. Anyways, I read your test scores and I could tell you're something special. What's a guy like you doing in a place like this? You should be in the Feddierayshin. I feel like you and me could do a lot together. Wanna come back to my place and discuss it over a nice drink?"
PUNK feels up JERK's leg under the table.
JERK: "Erk..."
Scene: Jerk cheats at the Kobayashi Maru test.
HELMSMAN: "Sir, there are three Kingkong battlecruisers approaching. Their weapons are armed and they've locked on to us."
JERK: "Hail them." [grins widely] "This is gonna be awesome."
HELMSMAN: "Yes, sir. Opening hailing frequency..."
ANIME CATGIRL: "Hi, Cadet Jerk! We're from the planet of hot anime catgirls! We stole these Kingkong battlecruisers and we insist that you beam over and keep us company."
JERK: "I'd be glad to, ladies! By the by, could you escort us to one of our ships that is having engine trouble and drifted into Kingkong space? I'll transfer you its coordinates."
ANIME CATGIRL: "No problem, Cadet Jerk. WE LOVE YOU!"
Off to the side, two admirals watch with dropped jaws.
ADMIRAL: "Is that usually a part of the Kobayashi Maru test?"
Scene: The Feddierayshin cadets are deployed. A loudspeaker directs ensigns to their assignments.
UWANNA: "Wait, that's not right."
Uwanna argues with a feddie officer.
UWANNA: "I'm supposed to be on the Aintitpretty."
FEDDIE: "What's it matter? They're all Constipation-class spaceships."
UWANNA: "It's in the script!" [holds up a copy and points out the line] "See? I'm supposed to be assigned to the Aintitpretty. Haven't you ever seen the TV show?"
Meanwhile, McCock and Jerk are scheming to get Jerk on board a ship.
McCock jabs Jerk in the arm with a needle.
JERK: "Ow! What was that?"
MCCOCK: "That was an alien disease. You'll start to experience symptoms within five minutes and I'll tell everybody I need to get you onto the ship to treat you."
McCock jabs Jerk in the arm with a needle.
JERK: "Ow!"
MCCOCK: "That was another disease in case the first one didn't work."
McCock jabs Jerk in the arm with a needle.
MCCOCK: "Here, I just gave you herpes."
JERK: "Thanks, I already had some."
McCock jabs Jerk in the arm with a needle.
MCCOCK: "That was for hell of it."
Scene: Punk addresses his crewmen.
PUNK: We've been in space together for six years, and to show you all what I think of you, I'm making this guy I picked up off the street my executive officer."
The still doped-up, diseased Jerk feebly attempts to wave.
PUNK: "Now let's get into the elevator before they lynch us."
Punk brings Jerk to the bridge.
PUNK: "And these are my bridge officers: communications officer Uwanna, first officer Commander Schmuck, and these two guys at the helm are Fuckoff and Screwyu but I keep forgetting which is which."
FUCKOFF: "Fuck off, Keptain."
SCREWYU: "Screw you, Captain."
PUNK: "Thanks! Now that we're all introduced, let's get us into warp and see if we can catch up with the other ships."
Scene: Back on the Cromulent ship...
CREWMAN: "Sir, another Feddierayshin ship has arrived!"
PORNO: "Blow it up like the rest of them. No, wait! I want to see what it looks like."
Porno looks at the scope intensely, and then relaxes and turns away.
PORNO: "Ah, it looks like all the others. Blow it up. No, wait! Zoom in."
Porno looks at the scope again, concentrating on its designation.
PORNO: "That ship..." (turns to crewmen) "We can't blow up that ship or there won't be a movie!"
CREWMAN: "Too late! We blew it up."
PORNO: "Aw, damn it!"
THE END.
See also my predictions of what the movie would NOT be like based on the trailers.
Deleted scene:
PORNO: "Ah, it looks like all the others. Blow it up. No, wait! Zoom in."
Porno turns back to the scope. The screen zooms in and we the ship's name.
PORNO: "That ship... We can't blow up that ship or there won't be a movie! We sure can fuck with them, though. Open a hailing frequency."
Porno's message plays out on the Aintitpretty bridge.
PORNO: "Attention, Feddierayshin ship. Your captain will transport himself to my ship for negotiations. He will be alone and unarmed and he will suck my dick."
Captain Punk cheerfully rises from his chair.
PUNK: "Well, I guess I'd better get going! I'm sure you guys can handle things back here. Bye everyone!"
Back on the Cromulent ship, Porno chuckles.
PORNO: "Let's see how they react to that."
Porno turns away from the terminal and Punk is already there on his knees reaching for Porno's crotch. Porno flinches back instinctively.
PORNO: "What the fuck!?"
PUNK: "I'm ready to negotiate with you!"
PORNO: "GUARDS!!!"
LOUD CREWMAN: "CAPTAIN PORNO!!! The FEDDIERAYSHIN CAPTAIN is ARRIVING on BOARD our SHIP! He's GOING to BE HERE, ANY MINUTE!!!!! oh he's right here."
FEDDIE: "Hey, man, what's up?"
Captain Porno slowly stands up, hikes up his sweatpants, and addresses his guest.
PORNO: "I am Captain Porno of the Cromulent mining vessel 'Fuck You'. Where is Ambassador Schmuck?"
FEDDIE: "Who is Ambassador Schmuck?"
PORNO: "Feddierayshin Ambassador Schmuck. Tell me where he is!"
FEDDIE: "I don't know any Ambassador Schmuck."
PORNO: "... what year is it?"
FEDDIE: "I don't know. We've been in space for so long..."
PORNO: "What is your name?"
FEDDIE: "I don't know, man. I'm so fucking baked right now."
Porno grabs a nearby lamp and beans the Feddie Captain with it.
On board the Feddierayshin ship, crewmen are gathered around a monitor which displays a stick figure representing the Captain's health. The stick figure on the screen collapses into pieces in a pool of blood, and blood squirts out of the edges of the monitor onto the crew.
The crewmen panic and run around screaming. Amid the morass, George Jerk stands up and takes charge.
GEORGE JERK: "As second in command and now Acting Captain of this ship, I will not see the crew panic and run around screaming in every direction. So I am going to close my eyes."
George Jerk closes his eyes for a few seconds, then sighs.
GEORGE JERK: "At least you could panic and run around screaming in an orderly fashion of some sort."
The crewmen form into a line and then scream and panic while running in a circle around the edge of the bridge.
GEORGE JERK: "That's much better."
The camera shakes.
GEORGE JERK: "What the hell was that?"
A crewman checks the monitors.
CREWMAN: "They're shooting at us again!"
The crew panics and runs around screaming in all directions again. The camera shakes again.
GEORGE JERK: "Hey! If you're not going to sit at your stations and do your jobs, why don't you just leave?"
All of the crewmen run out the doors. Cut to a scene of escape pods leaving the ship. Back on the bridge, George Jerk is left alone.
GEORGE JERK: "Ohhhkay. Bridge to Engineering, anybody there? Bridge to Apiary? Bridge to Tech Support? No, they'd be the first ones out."
The ship shakes again.
GEORGE JERK: "How about that chick I knocked up? Is she on board?"
COMPUTER: "That chick you knocked up departed the ship in shuttle 38."
GEORGE JERK: "Oh, what the hay, I might as well talk to her."
George Jerk taps a button.
GEORGE JERK: "Hey, gorgeous, what's up?"
JERK'S WIFE: "I'm giving birth to our baby! Do you want to beam over and watch?"
GEORGE JERK: "Ick."
JERK'S WIFE: "Why don't they just beam the damn thing out of me? This is going to hurt! Anyways, I want you to tell me you'll always be with me and you'll help me raise our baby together."
GEORGE JERK: "uh... yeah... about that..."
The camera shakes again as the ship takes another hit.
GEORGE JERK: "It looks like we're having communication problems!"
Jerk pushes a button to close the comms channel. The camera shakes again.
GEORGE JERK: "Acting Captain's Log. I just found a way out of having to pay child support!"
George Jerk smiles and gives two thumbs up to the camera.
The ship blows up.
Scene: A mop-headed blond 3-year-old kid pedals his Big Wheel tricycle towards the Grand Canyon. Faster and faster he goes, the speedometer passing four and approaching five kilometers per hour. At the last second he dives off the Big Wheel, sliding along the dusty ground, tumbling over the edge of the canyon and gripping the edge with his hands as the Big Wheel falls into the abyss below him. The kid drags himself up back over the canyon edge and onto higher ground.
This is watched by a robot cop with a parking meter for a head. There is a 'ding' as the parking meter's "violation" flag flips up.
ROBOT: "What is your name, Citizen?"
KID: "My name is James Jiberious Jerk!"
The robot bends Jerk over his knee and spanks the tar out of him.
Scene: a Midwestern bar, twenty years later.
Cadet Uwanna sits at the bar. Jerk slides up to her.
JERK: "What's a girl like you doing in a place like this? I could tell you're something special. You and me should be together."
BIG FEDDIE: "Hey, you! What do you think you're doing? We're supposed to be having a fight scene!"
JERK: "Sorry."
Jerk stands up, rips off his shirt, flexes, and jump-kicks the big feddie.
Captain Punk watches the fight.
PUNK: "Hey, you. Have a seat over here."
Jerk walks over and sits down.
PUNK: "You're James Jerk, right? Your father was captain for ten minutes and he saved over 700 lives."
JERK: "700? His ship only had a crew of 120."
PUNK: "Yeah, but they were on their way to blow up a ferry carrying 600 orphans. There was a mix-up in the war strategy department. Anyways, I read your test scores and I could tell you're something special. What's a guy like you doing in a place like this? You should be in the Feddierayshin. I feel like you and me could do a lot together. Wanna come back to my place and discuss it over a nice drink?"
PUNK feels up JERK's leg under the table.
JERK: "Erk..."
Scene: Jerk cheats at the Kobayashi Maru test.
HELMSMAN: "Sir, there are three Kingkong battlecruisers approaching. Their weapons are armed and they've locked on to us."
JERK: "Hail them." [grins widely] "This is gonna be awesome."
HELMSMAN: "Yes, sir. Opening hailing frequency..."
ANIME CATGIRL: "Hi, Cadet Jerk! We're from the planet of hot anime catgirls! We stole these Kingkong battlecruisers and we insist that you beam over and keep us company."
JERK: "I'd be glad to, ladies! By the by, could you escort us to one of our ships that is having engine trouble and drifted into Kingkong space? I'll transfer you its coordinates."
ANIME CATGIRL: "No problem, Cadet Jerk. WE LOVE YOU!"
Off to the side, two admirals watch with dropped jaws.
ADMIRAL: "Is that usually a part of the Kobayashi Maru test?"
Scene: The Feddierayshin cadets are deployed. A loudspeaker directs ensigns to their assignments.
Louis Albano, HMS Sultana.
Vincent McMahon, HMS Lusitania.
Theodore Dibiase, HMS Andrea Doria.
Boner McCock, HMS Aintitpretty.
Steven Austin, HMS Goya.
Frederick Blassie, HMS Prince of Wales.
Jesse Ventura, HMS Titanic.
Heiyu Screwyu, HMS Aintitpretty.
Randall Savage, HMS Arizona.
Roderick Piper, HMS Andrea Doria.
Bruno Sammartino, HMS Sultana.
Vydoncha Fuckoff, HMS Aintitpretty.
James Duggan, HMS Lusitania.
Bret Hart, HMS Arizona.
Shawn Michaels, HMS Prince of Wales.
Kevin Nash, HMS Goya.
Uwanna Nailme, HMS Titanic.
UWANNA: "Wait, that's not right."
Uwanna argues with a feddie officer.
UWANNA: "I'm supposed to be on the Aintitpretty."
FEDDIE: "What's it matter? They're all Constipation-class spaceships."
UWANNA: "It's in the script!" [holds up a copy and points out the line] "See? I'm supposed to be assigned to the Aintitpretty. Haven't you ever seen the TV show?"
Meanwhile, McCock and Jerk are scheming to get Jerk on board a ship.
McCock jabs Jerk in the arm with a needle.
JERK: "Ow! What was that?"
MCCOCK: "That was an alien disease. You'll start to experience symptoms within five minutes and I'll tell everybody I need to get you onto the ship to treat you."
McCock jabs Jerk in the arm with a needle.
JERK: "Ow!"
MCCOCK: "That was another disease in case the first one didn't work."
McCock jabs Jerk in the arm with a needle.
MCCOCK: "Here, I just gave you herpes."
JERK: "Thanks, I already had some."
McCock jabs Jerk in the arm with a needle.
MCCOCK: "That was for hell of it."
Scene: Punk addresses his crewmen.
PUNK: We've been in space together for six years, and to show you all what I think of you, I'm making this guy I picked up off the street my executive officer."
The still doped-up, diseased Jerk feebly attempts to wave.
PUNK: "Now let's get into the elevator before they lynch us."
Punk brings Jerk to the bridge.
PUNK: "And these are my bridge officers: communications officer Uwanna, first officer Commander Schmuck, and these two guys at the helm are Fuckoff and Screwyu but I keep forgetting which is which."
FUCKOFF: "Fuck off, Keptain."
SCREWYU: "Screw you, Captain."
PUNK: "Thanks! Now that we're all introduced, let's get us into warp and see if we can catch up with the other ships."
Scene: Back on the Cromulent ship...
CREWMAN: "Sir, another Feddierayshin ship has arrived!"
PORNO: "Blow it up like the rest of them. No, wait! I want to see what it looks like."
Porno looks at the scope intensely, and then relaxes and turns away.
PORNO: "Ah, it looks like all the others. Blow it up. No, wait! Zoom in."
Porno looks at the scope again, concentrating on its designation.
PORNO: "That ship..." (turns to crewmen) "We can't blow up that ship or there won't be a movie!"
CREWMAN: "Too late! We blew it up."
PORNO: "Aw, damn it!"
THE END.
See also my predictions of what the movie would NOT be like based on the trailers.
Deleted scene:
PORNO: "Ah, it looks like all the others. Blow it up. No, wait! Zoom in."
Porno turns back to the scope. The screen zooms in and we the ship's name.
PORNO: "That ship... We can't blow up that ship or there won't be a movie! We sure can fuck with them, though. Open a hailing frequency."
Porno's message plays out on the Aintitpretty bridge.
PORNO: "Attention, Feddierayshin ship. Your captain will transport himself to my ship for negotiations. He will be alone and unarmed and he will suck my dick."
Captain Punk cheerfully rises from his chair.
PUNK: "Well, I guess I'd better get going! I'm sure you guys can handle things back here. Bye everyone!"
Back on the Cromulent ship, Porno chuckles.
PORNO: "Let's see how they react to that."
Porno turns away from the terminal and Punk is already there on his knees reaching for Porno's crotch. Porno flinches back instinctively.
PORNO: "What the fuck!?"
PUNK: "I'm ready to negotiate with you!"
PORNO: "GUARDS!!!"
