Apr. 12th, 2012 02:19 am
[personal profile] tangaroa
So long as I'm dropping shallow parodies with no relation to the source material, I might as well write up this one of Eragon.

Without seeing the movie...

Without reading the book...

Based on a one-line summary of the movie in a newspaper...

"A boy finds a dragon egg in the forest."

Let's see where I can take this.

Scene: The forest

Onerag, played by Adam Sandler as his usual infantile idiot, stands before a meter-long dragon egg, which is painted like an Easter egg and sits in a nest on the florest floor.

ONERAG: "Wow, a dwagon egg! In de fowwesht!"

[close-up of ONERAG admiring the egg]

ONERAG: "I found a dwagon egg in de fowwesht!"

The camera returns to its original view. There is now a dragon behind Onerag standing on its back legs with its hands on its hips.

ONERAG: "Dis must be de luckiest day in my whole life!"

The dragon reaches down and grabs Onerag.

The camera cuts out to the forest so you only see tree branches shaking while Onerag screams and the dragon roars.

Scene: Village Fields

A roughed-up Onerag runs into the scene carrying the dragon egg in his arms.

ONERAG: "Hey everybody! I found a dwagon egg in de fowwesht!"

The village elder, a strong-looking man with a thick brown beard, responds.

ELDER: "This is a portentous moment, Onerag. You may become a dragonmaster, riding your charge into the sky with the freedom of the birds and the power of a dragon, or you can make one hell of an omelet. The choice is yours."

ONERAG: "I'm going to love it and chewwish it all my life!"

Scene: Dragon raising

Inside a house. Onerag sits on the egg while reading "What To Expect When You're Expecting A Dragon". Childish music plays, possibly the instrumental parts of the Sesame Street theme.

The dragon hatches.

DRAGON: "Daddy!"

Add several scenes of the dragon growing up under Onerag's care, with the two of them tossing a ball in the backyard, riding a roller coaster, and then...

ONERAG: "Whatsh wong, dwaggy?"

We see the teenaged dragon with a cigarette, wearing a spiked collar and a "Black Dragon" t-shirt.

DRAGON: "You never let me do anything. All the other dragons are kidnapping princesses! Why can't I?"

Scene: Evil Castle

The Evil Lord sits in his evil throne at the evil castle of evil. He looks like a generic thin-faced villain with a short beard and a fancy cape.

Through a window, we see armoured pikemen marching.

MINION: "My lord, I have returned with gifts for your evilness!"

LORD: "Excellent. Show me."

MINION: "I acquired this amulet which should add an evil accent to your appearance."

The Evil Lord stands, wears the amulet, and admires himself in a mirror.

LORD: "It does appear quite evil. Where did you find it?"

MINION: "I found it in the J.C. Penney Evil Catalogue."

The minion holds a copy of the catalogue up to the camera. The front cover has a photo of the Dark Queen from Battletoads.

LORD: "An excellent choice, minion. Have you anything else?"

MINION: "Yes! It came to my recollection that evil lords like you will often have a cat."

[The minion holds up a photo of Dr. Evil and his cat from Austin Powers.]

MINION: "As I was returning to the castle, I had the luck that one of the peasants was giving away juvenile cats for free! It did not cost us anything!"

The minion holds up the cutest kitten ever.

KITTEN: "Mew."

The Evil Lord looks down on it skeptically. The minion notices his attitude and tries to save face.

MINION: "It will grow into a cat."

The Evil Lord grabs the kitten and throws it back over his shoulder.

MINION: "I will do better next time, my lord."

LORD: "You certainly will, minion. As for now, I would like to review our military strategy. I feel like starting a war."

The Evil Lord and his minion walk over to a table which holds a map of central Europe. There is a window in the background; through it, we see that the marching soldiers are a small group marching past the throne-room window and then running behind a wall and looping back to their starting point.

LORD: "Hmm. Let's invade Poland."

MINION: [approvingly] "An evil choice, my lord!"

LORD: "No, wait. There is this small village here which has absolutely no strategic value or significance. Yes! We will destroy this village!"

Both lord and minion laugh.

Scene: Village

The dragon is grown up now. Onerag is as immature as ever.

DRAGON: "Wanna go for a ride?"

ONERAG: "Okay!"

Onerag climbs on the dragon's back and the two fly off. We have a few seconds of exhilarating flight scenes with uplifting music, and then the dragon swoops down under a stone bridge and notices that Onerag is not on his back anymore.

The dragon lands to see Onerag in the mud under the bridge, which now has a human-shaped dent in its side.

DRAGON: "Uhh, you okay down there?"

ONERAG: "I been bedder!"

The two walk back to the village, where everyone is in a panic. The Elder runs over to him.

ELDER: "Find anything you can use as a weapon! The village is under attack!"

About a hundred of the Evil Lord's soldiers stand in formation outside the village. One of the soldiers steps forward and makes an announcement.

SOLDIER: "By order of the Evil Lord of Evilness, we are here to destroy this village for no reason at all."

The villagers stand in an ill-formed line with farm implements as their weapons.

Onerag and the dragon share a few glances and shrugs. The Elder walks over to them.

ELDER: "Onerag, have you found your weapon?"

Onerag stares aimlessly. The Elder jabs him in the ribs to get his attention and nods towards the dragon, then walks away.

ONERAG: [to the dragon] "You dink you can shtop dem?"

DRAGON: "Yeah, probably."

ONERAG: "Let'sh go, Dwaggy!"

They fly up, and the dragon breathes fire onto the whole line of soldiers, instantly disintegrating them and leaving just their armour and weapons behind.

The villagers cheer.

Scene: The Evil Castle

MINION: "My lord, I have terrible news! The army that we sent to destroy the insignificant village was defeated!"

LORD: "So send a bigger army!"

MINION: "Yes, my lord!"

Scene: Outside the village

The dragon destroys the new army just like the last one. It might even be the same scene flipped horizontally.

The cheering villagers sit in their lawn chairs and raise glasses of iced tea in celebration.

Scene: The Evil Castle

MINION: "My lord, I have learned why we keep losing to that insignificant village. They have a dragon!"

LORD: "So get us our own dragon!"

MINION: "They're kind of hard to come by, but I'll see what I can manage to do."

Scene: Outside the Evil Castle

A wagon labelled "DRAG-OFF Dragon Eradication Services" wheels up to the castle.

Scene: The village

VILLAGER: "The Evil Lord is attacking us again, and they have siege engines!"

ELDER: "This is bad. Siege engines have a +2 bonus against hardpoints."

The Elder turns to Onerag and the Dragon.

ELDER: "You two be careful up there today."

The dragon flies toward the evil army.

DRAGON: "I think I'll take a high pass around them before we attack, just to see if they have any tricks in mind."

ONERAG: "Okee dokie!"

Dozens of nets and spears launch toward the dragon. The dragon spins and swoops around them.

DRAGON: "Hey, Onerag, you okay up there?"

Onerag is covered in nets and holding spears between his arms.

ONERAG: "Yesh."

The dragon looks down at the attackers.

DRAGON: "So all their siege weapons are spring-loaded or tension driven?"

ONERAG: "Uh huh."

DRAGON: "And they take a few minutes to reload and reset?"

ONERAG: "I dink sho."

DRAGON: "And they fired them all?"

ONERAG: "Looksh like it."

The dragon swoops down and burns the evil army again.

Scene: Evil Castle

LORD: "Another failure? This is unacceptable! I shall have to go down there with my entire army and lead the attack myself!"

MINION: "A stupid choice, my lord!"

LORD: "Yes, but it's in the script."

Scene: Outside the village

Tens of thousands of soldiers march towards the village. About a dozen villagers attempt to organize a defense.

ELDER: "Times like this make me wish we hadn't sold all those captured weapons and armor for beer."

The Evil Lord stands before his army. There is a stool in front of him.

LORD: "My army, and my future victims. I shall prove to you today that I am evil."

The Evil Lord places the incredibly cute kitten on the stool.

KITTEN: "Mew."

The Evil Lord grabs the kitten and throws it back over his shoulder.

The dragon lands behind the Evil Lord and throws him over his shoulder.

The villagers cheer.

Scene: Epilogue

ELDER: "Onerag, you have defeated the Evil Lord and proven yourself to be a true dragon master. The dragon did all the work, but you will get all the credit. Your heroism will be remembered for generations. Now GET BACK TO WORK! The fields don't till themselves!"
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