Survivor: Ultimate Edition
Mar. 13th, 2012 02:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tangaroaFour people stand in a shattered, post-apocalyptic landscape. They are:
A shimmering hologram appears. It is Lister from Red Dwarf with an effects budget, resembling a stereotypical hologram: slightly tinted, fuzzy, transparent, and lacking feet.
LISTER: "Welcome to Survivor: Ultimate Edition. I am a prerecorded message from the distant past. Each of our contestants is the last person left alive on Planet Earth. Each week our audience will vote for their favourite contestant. The contestant with the fewest votes will be voted off the show, and the last remaining contestant at the end of the season who proves the most popular with our viewers might get a sequel."
IJI: "There won't be any sequels. Everybody's dead! The whole world is dead!"
LISTER: "That said, are there any questions before we get started?"
VAULT-DWELLER: "Yes. If there are no survivors, who is the audience?"
LISTER: "Oh, that would be the space aliens who caused the apocalypse."
(quick cut to a scene of the Simpsons aliens watching TV.)
LEGEND: "Wait. I thought my virus caused the apocalypse that destroyed humanity."
LISTER: "Oh, no, it was aliens. It was totally aliens."
LEGEND: "Wow, that's a load off my back. I feel a lot better now."
BILL: "Let's get to the point, you fuzzy bastard. What do you want from us?"
LISTER: "Oh, we're just going to run the several of you through games and challenges and see how you react to them. The more embarrassing, the more entertaining. That's how we get ratings! Your first challenge today will be..." (reads card) "Zombies again? For Christ's sake."
BILL: "You all know how to handle zombies, right?"
LEGEND: "Yeah, they're just like vampires."
IJI: "No, vampires sparkle."
BILL: "In general, you should fight them hand-to-hand. Save your ammunition for the big ones unless you are being overwhelmed."
VAULT-DWELLER: "Will we be facing the classical lumbering zombie, the athletic variant inspired by Romero's later films, or the magically reincarnated dead from Haitian lore?"
LEGEND: "Somebody maxed out his intelligence stat."
LISTER: "Why don't you ask them yourselves?"
ZOMBIES: (MOAN!)
BILL: "They're the dumb and slow kind. Just hit 'em on the head. Let's go!"
LEGEND: (to his dog) "Stay here, Sam."
The four charge at the cluster of zombies. The VAULT-DWELLER takes two swings at the zombies and stands upright as they close in on him.
BILL: "Hey Fallout boy, what the hell you doing? Fight back!"
VAULT-DWELLER: "I ran out of action points!"
BILL: "Oh, frizzin frazzle..."
BILL rushes in and melees the zombies away from the VAULT-DWELLER. LEGEND slashes through zombies with a sword but gives up ground as their numbers advance on him. IJI kicks a zombie across the street and through a second-story window, fires a blast from her gun which shreds a dozen zombies, and fires a second blast into the cluster of undead.
BILL: "Girl, what did I say about conserving ammunition?"
IJI: "I have infinite shotgun ammo!"
BILL: "New plan! She kills all the zombies, we sit back and watch!"
LISTER: "It looks like our contestants already have the zombies under control. Since we've seen this a billion times before, let's cut to a word from our sponsors."
COMMERCIAL BREAK
We see a bleached-blond botoxed big-boobed bimbo in a blue bathing suit.
BIMBO: "I used to look like this."
(still of Sigourney Weaver as Ripley from Alien)
BIMBO: "But that was before my procedures. A tweak here. An adjustment there. Now I'm not just an interstellar bounty hunter. I'm a sex object."
VOICEOVER: "True fake beauty. Only from Nintendo."
IJI: "Why?"
LISTER: "And we're back. It is now time for the voting segment of our program where the audience gets to decide who is voted off the show. I have the result right here, and the loser is ..." (reads card) "... me. Oh, dear."
(LISTER gets mauled by Doom demons while the survivors share perplexed glances at each other.)
- Bill from Left 4 Dead
- Iji from Iji, with her gigantic Tasen General gun
- Robert Neville (aka Legend) from I Am Legend, with his dog Sam
- the Vault-Dweller from Fallout, wearing his Vault 13 uniform
A shimmering hologram appears. It is Lister from Red Dwarf with an effects budget, resembling a stereotypical hologram: slightly tinted, fuzzy, transparent, and lacking feet.
LISTER: "Welcome to Survivor: Ultimate Edition. I am a prerecorded message from the distant past. Each of our contestants is the last person left alive on Planet Earth. Each week our audience will vote for their favourite contestant. The contestant with the fewest votes will be voted off the show, and the last remaining contestant at the end of the season who proves the most popular with our viewers might get a sequel."
IJI: "There won't be any sequels. Everybody's dead! The whole world is dead!"
LISTER: "That said, are there any questions before we get started?"
VAULT-DWELLER: "Yes. If there are no survivors, who is the audience?"
LISTER: "Oh, that would be the space aliens who caused the apocalypse."
(quick cut to a scene of the Simpsons aliens watching TV.)
LEGEND: "Wait. I thought my virus caused the apocalypse that destroyed humanity."
LISTER: "Oh, no, it was aliens. It was totally aliens."
LEGEND: "Wow, that's a load off my back. I feel a lot better now."
BILL: "Let's get to the point, you fuzzy bastard. What do you want from us?"
LISTER: "Oh, we're just going to run the several of you through games and challenges and see how you react to them. The more embarrassing, the more entertaining. That's how we get ratings! Your first challenge today will be..." (reads card) "Zombies again? For Christ's sake."
BILL: "You all know how to handle zombies, right?"
LEGEND: "Yeah, they're just like vampires."
IJI: "No, vampires sparkle."
BILL: "In general, you should fight them hand-to-hand. Save your ammunition for the big ones unless you are being overwhelmed."
VAULT-DWELLER: "Will we be facing the classical lumbering zombie, the athletic variant inspired by Romero's later films, or the magically reincarnated dead from Haitian lore?"
LEGEND: "Somebody maxed out his intelligence stat."
LISTER: "Why don't you ask them yourselves?"
ZOMBIES: (MOAN!)
BILL: "They're the dumb and slow kind. Just hit 'em on the head. Let's go!"
LEGEND: (to his dog) "Stay here, Sam."
The four charge at the cluster of zombies. The VAULT-DWELLER takes two swings at the zombies and stands upright as they close in on him.
BILL: "Hey Fallout boy, what the hell you doing? Fight back!"
VAULT-DWELLER: "I ran out of action points!"
BILL: "Oh, frizzin frazzle..."
BILL rushes in and melees the zombies away from the VAULT-DWELLER. LEGEND slashes through zombies with a sword but gives up ground as their numbers advance on him. IJI kicks a zombie across the street and through a second-story window, fires a blast from her gun which shreds a dozen zombies, and fires a second blast into the cluster of undead.
BILL: "Girl, what did I say about conserving ammunition?"
IJI: "I have infinite shotgun ammo!"
BILL: "New plan! She kills all the zombies, we sit back and watch!"
LISTER: "It looks like our contestants already have the zombies under control. Since we've seen this a billion times before, let's cut to a word from our sponsors."
COMMERCIAL BREAK
We see a bleached-blond botoxed big-boobed bimbo in a blue bathing suit.
BIMBO: "I used to look like this."
(still of Sigourney Weaver as Ripley from Alien)
BIMBO: "But that was before my procedures. A tweak here. An adjustment there. Now I'm not just an interstellar bounty hunter. I'm a sex object."
VOICEOVER: "True fake beauty. Only from Nintendo."
IJI: "Why?"
LISTER: "And we're back. It is now time for the voting segment of our program where the audience gets to decide who is voted off the show. I have the result right here, and the loser is ..." (reads card) "... me. Oh, dear."
(LISTER gets mauled by Doom demons while the survivors share perplexed glances at each other.)
